If you were to ask why I wear a weighted vest, I would tell you it's in my best physical interest.
But on a deeper level, body dysmorphia screws with my head, and the lies I tell myself will one day have me dead.
They scream at me to put on the damn vest and don't stop until I can't take another step.
They scream at me to suck it up, so I trek until I inhale but can't seem to catch a breath.

If you were to ask why I'm always with someone, I would tell you that I love my friends and that comfortable silence is truly the best.
But on a deeper level, I can't be alone because of the ways I depreciate myself when there are no witnesses.
If I wake up alone, I rot in bed until it's someone else that might be negatively affected.
If I eat alone, I overindulge, just to come out of the bathroom with my eyes bloodshot and my cheeks puffy and red.

If you were to ask why I'm up at 4 am, I would tell you that I just can't sleep and my insomnia gets the best.
But on a deeper level, it's the only time I find true peace and rest while the busyness of daylight can't touch me 'til 7 am.
In the dark is where wickedness thrives and it sits in the corner of my room waiting for me to take a bite.
In the dark is where I will live the rest of my life and where my favorite pastime is to cloud my head with all the ways in which I will never suffice.

If you were to ask how I'm doing, I might reply "I'm doing well" or "I'm doing just fine."
But on a deeper level, the wars going on inside my mind are ones that will never see the light.
You may have never guessed, nor would I have ever told a soul, that the battle I lost today took me one step closer to an early grave.
You may have never heard, nor would you have ever noticed, but the smallest battles I win are victories worth celebrating.



Monday 26 August 2024