“I’m here for you”
She says with a smile
The genuinity in her words palpable
But still they seem to me superficial

But I know they aren’t
The absurdity of it all crushes me

Half-truths told
And still I resent myself
For speaking at all
For feeling at all
For needing at all

Too damn needy
Too damn selfish
Unfair
For both you and me

I want to kill myself
But I don’t want to die

why god why?
if you’re real, tell me why?

can’t imagine myself living past eighteen
so fucking lost, but life is but a dream anyway

this is never how I wanted to be
or how I thought I could be

no matter how much I want them to know
they can’t
they can never know

spiraling away
losing control
circling the drain

but I tell myself I’m not
because I know I’m not
that could never be me

one more hit
that's all I need
one more hit
then I’ll be free
one more hit
that's all I need
one more hit
then I’ll be

I can’t keep living like this
I can’t keep feeling like this
And I can’t die like this
But how responsible am I for this in the first place?

There may come a day
Where all the friends and music and air and reading and writing and drugs can’t save me

But that's not today and
My actions can ensure it’s not tomorrow either

And that's reason enough to celebrate

Merrily

Merrily

merrily

it was never that serious anyway