Sitting in my own flat
MY flat
The coziness. The quiet!
With two floors, a spare bathroom
And no mortgage on it
Go fuck yourself Generation Rent!
What an achievement hey
I worked hard to get there
And when the mail comes through
It is for me, just me
Nobody else
And the food delivery guys
Know their way to my door

White wine in the kitchen
Vodka atop the fridge
I don't drink any of these but
The dates said I should have some
The tap has a water filter
That gets changed regularly
I keep track and make sure
Everything organic. Of course!
And on one of the shelves
All my health supplements
Twenty of them maybe
I take them every day

The lounge is bare and clean
With a square oak table
That expands for dinner parties
Luxurious leather sofa
that reclines and lifts your legs
On the press of a button
And a USB plug on its side
High spec? You betcha

In the utility, extra tiles
Spare wine glasses, replacement batteries
And all the different grouts
For all the different rooms
Are squirrelled away
So repairs can be done with the matching colours
Anything less would be a disgrace

The office is my Kingdom
It has a standing desk with preprogrammed heights
Adjusted to my dimensions precisely
A top end shredder with the oil on the side
State of the art printer scanner
A filing cabinet where
User manuals are stored in plastic folios
A paper intray where
Postroom Boy Me places the mail
Addressed to Executive Me
And in the stationary cupboard I keep
My precious collection of
Rare erasers and limited edition felt pens

The bedroom is just huge
With a gigantic bed
So big I can starfish in it
Like the Coors commercial
Orthopedic mattress
One of the fancy ones
Yes yes!
And the pillows are too
Thick Egyptian cotton sheets
Silk black pillow cases
And a walk in cabinet
Full of neat piles of clothes
That comes with its dedicated light

And I have plans
I have ambitions, trust me!
Professional saucepans
That go in the oven
Maybe an expresso machine
With a top end grinder
Because it's the grinder that makes the coffee
Everyone knows that
Distinguised artwork handsigned by the artist
That people will recognise and "Ooo! Ahh!" over
One of these coffee tables I've seen on Instagram
That's made out of recycled skateboards
An air purifier. Why not?! I deserve it
I should upgrade my skincare routine while I'm at it
Put on serum before bed
Unless I get one of these infrared Spartan masks
I'll get to that after giving
A lick of paint to the many little spots
That need it everywhere

Tidy up takes longer
Got to do it every day
Up and down the stairs
Down and up
Or it gets too messy
Even though it's just me
I just don't comprehend
How it gets so dusty
The lounge especially
There is nothing in it
So empty it echoes
Anyway I just nap and exercise there
No-one ever visits
Why don't I sleep better?
It must be the pillows
And two chairs are enough
One that's meant for the meals
And that I never use
The other for my bag
Meals are on the sofa
I should give it a wipe
With the soundbar across the room
And the long format podcast of an angry comedian
As my conversation

I thought that owning less
Would free me from objects
And make me happier
Gosh! Not so long ago
I just had that one room
With all my life in it
Maybe less comfortable
But it was lighter too

It's not the silence, it's not the loneliness
And, funnily enough, it's not the stuff either
Tyler Durden was wrong
He should have read Walden

It's not the things that we own
That end up owning us
It's the spaces

Welcome to my socialite life of
Company bank statements
Amazon orders
Charity appeals
Penalty fines
And bill reminders
Would you like a drink?