Oh isn't it nice when
I'm napping on the sofa after a long day
And the phone beeps
It's a match on the dating app
Where she says hello straight away
So I say hello back

And 15 mins into it, we decide to meet now
I run up the stairs to
Brush my teeth, trim my shave
Put on the tshirt of my profile photo
The one with a Care Bear on it
Condoms in my back pocket

And 20 mins into it, I'm in the Uber
Where the chat with the driver flows
About where he's from - Afghanistan
His arranged marriage
The Tom Ford knockoff oil he's wearing
That his wife bought him
He suggests I try it and I take him on the offer
Because why not?!
We talk about his Hadji pilgrimage
The Quran, the Bible, the Old Testament
He asks if I'm going to marry
The girl I'm about to meet
"You never know. We'll see", I reply

And 50 minutes into it I'm at the reception
But she's already outside waiting
We kiss hello on the cheek
Go find a pub a few yards away
Sit outside so she can smoke
She asks if I mind and I don't
Orders a lager, I a mocktail
And the waiter gives me the beer
When he serves the drink
The usual

And an hour into it we start talking
She's good looking, successful
And alone
International corporate woman
Same way I was not long ago
And I can see her body trembling
From stress, tension, and the lack of hugs
Like I was at her age
We talk about her cat
Life in her country
The new job
I ask how to pronounce her name
Repeat it until I get it half-right

And twenty minutes later, the waiter comes again
Last orders
She has another beer, I another mocktail
I ask her if she'd like a kiss
She smiles, a bit shy
But she can't help
She offers me her cheek
But then turns and takes my lips when I approach
One time, two times
And then that's enough
I go back to my seat
More smoking , more drinking
The chat is good
She's starting to relax
But her body wants more, I can feel it
We hold hands under the table
I suggest a walk

And an hour and a half into it we're strolling
To Covent Garden ten minutes away
Then she says, in broken English: maybe we go Saturday
When I ask if she wants us to come back to her hotel
Her only concern is that the room has been booked for one person
And that the reception will tell her company

And an hour forty into it we're in the elevator
The room card she uses to activate the switch
Isn't working
So she looks for the other one in her bag
The light turns green
She presses on 3
We kiss a little on the way up

And an hour fifty into it we're settling in the room
After she's tidied up in haste
Why do people always freak out
And say: "my place is a mess"
when they invite you back, I wonder
As if it mattered at all
The room feels like a home from yesteryears
When I was travelling as much as she does now
The little things, the little habits
For her, it's instant coffee on the bedside table
I used to do that too
We lie down on the bed
She says she only wants to talk
But I kiss her and she kisses me back

And two hours into it I take my tshirt off
The one with a Care Bear on it
"Come get some skin", I say
Her bra won't unclip so she slides it down
Best boob job I've seen in a while
I take her in my arms and pull her leg over mine
We stay like that and don't move much
I stroke her curly hair
It's like she's recharging from something long lost
I let her, I need it too
More, maybe

It's nice, it's really nice

And 10 minutes after that we are kissing again
One thing leads to another
But only so far
Time of the month until tomorrow, she says
I already knew - Period pads on the settee
I don't really care though
It's a body I want
It's a body she wants
But we do play a bit
I come on her chest
She loves it
Then I go grab wipes and clean her myself

And two hours forty into it
She puts silky PJs on
Sits on the bed facing me
We talk and she says she's surprised
She's never done it that quick
But I have, many times
I say nothing
Just sure she's fine and get dressed
She takes me to the door
We kiss goodbye on the cheek

And three hours into it
I enter Holborn tube
They are closing the doors
But the chap lets me in, asks where I'm going
"There's time mate", he says

And I make the last train to High Barnet
After talking to two young stunners
One of them pretty drunk
They want to play and flirt
So I oblige and play back
It probably wouldn't take much
But I'm ahead and happy and it's time to go home

And three and a half hours into it I make the last train to Edgware
After changing at Camden
The last bus after that
I do a victory sign with my arms as I go sit
Because everything is working tonight
I say hello back the other new matches from the dating app
Who want to meet now
Before I get off I message her
Thank her for the evening
She should be asleep
But replies instantly
And when she does
She uses the emoji with little three hearts floating around it.