I caught myself missing him.

Realistically I don't know if I missed him or missed the routine,

The good morning text, getting through the day updating one another and the simplicity of having someone be present in your life.

I'm not sure if I missed him or if I missed the potential I saw in him, the way his mother convinced me he was a good guy when no one was around.

I'm not sure if I missed him or missed what could have been. We could have been something good and healthy. We could have healed one another's traumas. We could have been happy.

The reality is I miss him. I miss his smile, and I miss the way he stared at me while I was speaking a million things at once. I miss his touch and the comfort no one else could bring me but him.

I miss him... but I also know that I deserve better so once again, we'll write a poem that no one will hear because it'll go in a vault till the day I'm ready to tell someone about this love story.

The one that brought me comfort in my darkest days, the love that makes you walk in the rain and instead of looking for shelter you find the joy, the love that looks at you and blows secret kisses from across the room and dances at an elevator door, the love that ensures that you're eating, and that brings you flowers because it's a random Tuesday, the love they brings you apology chocolates and that calls you up after a fight. Love that feels like a cup full of sunshine. A love that's reassuring.

One day it'll exit the vault. For now i hold it in my heart silent and peaceful, because a love that could have been but wasn't feels like living through your own death.