oh honey honey I'm telling you — a woman's work is never
done. why that guy who gave me the once-over twice
pumping his hands under his overcoat —
well, his eyes don't open so well
since I sprayed him in the face with my
Miss Lady Aerosol Pump Superhold Formula Hairspray

and then that guy who felt me up on the subway, well —
blame it on my Lady Eve Press-on Manicure Nails in Sin Red
and something about that kind of fruit, why
that adam's apple just fell right out
ripe and red into my hand

and that guy on the corner calling me everyday
with his hey baby baby doncha wanna baby baby
doncha wanna piece of me
and I said yeah baby baby yeah I wanna piece of you
and took off a one-inch slab of his tongue
with my Non-slip Grip Lady Schick

and oh those guys who tried to jump
me on the way home oh don't you know
these things always end in tears
I was so sorry to lose my favorite pair of Foxy Lady
Five-inch Patent Leather Spike Heels — it's going
to be a while before I get over that one

but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do
and don't even start me on what happened
the night that guy broke into my sanitary
pad it took me hours to clean off my Curling
Iron, my Nail File, my Tweezers, my Just-For-Me
Sandal Toe Queen Size Control Tops are still hanging out to dry

and what with all the screaming
I'm lucky I didn't get caught red-
handed with my Pink Comfort-Tip
Scented Double-Barrel Super-Plus Sawed-
Off Tampax but Thank God for
feminine protection.

A girl never knows when she's gonna need
to soak up some blood.