nights are still hard
when my heart trembles
and holds its breath
when i hear the songs in my head
that remind me of you
of what you meant to me


and i dont know how many more
cracks my heart can bear
when i obstinately hold this futile love
close to me even as the longing
draws salt out of my eyes
as the moon draws high tides


(even if i know it can never be)


nights are still hard and i still
have to press down on my chest
to keep my heart from splintering
under the weight of my hope
under the unescapable yearning


and you are so much more than
the three words i swore not to say
you’re autumn and caramel
and the warm morning sunlight
you’re soft leather and soft smiles
and soft hugs under the stars
i wish you could see yourself
the way i remember you


(i hate caramel but i…)


i wonder if it gets harder from here
or easier
it’s almost been a year since we
found each other even though it felt like
i had known you since forever
and i wonder
if your hands feel as soft as they look
if my hands…
if i put my hand in yours
would you pull away?


all the songs i listened to
back in middle school
never made sense back then
just a bunch of nicely arranged waves
thought i had trash taste
but now i understand them all


i wish i didnt.


and ive realised that i like music
that sounds like heartbeats
because i need to remember that
it doesnt have to hold its breath


you’re not coming back and i-


i have to live on.