*trigger warning: mentions of suicide and blood*

dear diary

when i was 5
i used to wish that
there were no bad guys
in the world

till i was 10
i wished for world peace

then i don't remember since when i
started having nothing to wish for
nothing to hope for

birthdays became unpleasant
and i simply wished to disappear

dear diary

i was 14 when i first thought
people who commit suicide
weren't irresponsible, or stupid
or don't think of the consequences
as i was taught, as i was told
as i was raised to think

i was 14 when
i felt like i could relate

dear diary

i was 14 when i realised
something was wrong

15 when i muted myself to the world
and defiantly ignored that fact, and stopped remembering things

16 when i dove into the depths of my mind
and didn't emerge in one piece, didn't emerge at all

17 when a maelstrom kicked up in my head
when i started sweating and shaking

18 when i stood at the balcony
18 when i stared at the razor
18 when i laid on the couch, overdosed on coffee and sleep deprivation
18 when i almost threw up from the pressure in my chest
18, 18, 18
when it all started to go downhill, no
18 when i realised i had been rolling downhill all along and i was now at the bottom

dear diary

i was 19
when i felt the everlasting tiredness
turn my bones into cotton
19 when i felt my heart melting into the dark pool at the edge of my mind
19 when i felt like i was crying blood
19 when i felt like i had lived 90
19 when i walked the tightrope of my own sanity

and i almost fell, at many points
i saw the signpost reading "The Point Of No Return" within sight
as i crawled, as i clawed with my nails picked through and bloody
desperate for what?
desperate, but with no purpose.

dear diary

i am now 20
though i feel as old as a mountain
as turbulent as the high seas
occasionally i stumble in whatever i'm doing
struck by surprise that i am in fact, alive
alive and whole, even if i feel like
i'm a leaky pipe, an overdue mothball,
a soulless vessel, edgelord as it sounds

i have people i love
even if once, i hated them
i have people to look after
even if i don't care much for myself

and the path to the light is not
paved with flowers, nor will you
be given an a standing ovation
for returning from the dead

it is paved by the feet of millions who have walked the same road
bloodied and cracked
tested and thoroughly tormented
by the rough tarmac, the untamed plains, the unending night
when we all looked up to the sky and saw
the same moon

it is a path chosen, and because it is a choice
it is haunted by strife and anguish
when you make it to the end
perhaps you lose a limb or two
perhaps you lose your sight
everyone loses something on this lonesome journey but

i have learnt much.

dear diary

even if i haven't made it to the end
i know it will be worth it
to stay alive, long enough to feel
the warmth of light on my cold body again
long enough to feel my frozen face
crack in a genuine smile

and so i will have courage, and walk every step
painful as it is, not as though it is my last day
but as though it is the last step
over the shadow and into the light
because every step i take means i have fight in me

and i do have fight in me, and i will continue to fight
i suck at many things but not at surviving
and dear diary, trust me
i will make it to the day where i not only
don't suck at surviving, but excel
at living.

 
Author's note: to all my fellow wayfarers who are blinded by the sandstorm of internal conflict, you are not alone. this piece is for you. how is your story going?

[the ordinary road - pu shu]

我曾经毁了我的一切
只想永远地离开
我曾经堕入无边黑暗
想挣扎 无法自拔
我曾经像你 像他 像那野草野花
绝望者 也渴望着 也哭也笑
也平凡着

[i once ruined everything i had and wanted to disappear forever
i once fell into endless darkness, helpless and lost
i was once like you, like them, like those wild flowers
hopeless yet hoping, crying, laughing
being ordinary]

我曾经跨过山和大海
也穿过人山人海
我曾经问遍整个世界
从来没得到答案
我不过像你像他
像那野草野花
冥冥中 这是我唯一要走的路啊

[i've crossed the mountains and the seas
and seen thousands of people
i once asked for the whole world without
receiving an answer
i am just like you, like them, like those wild flowers
dark it may be, this is the road i must go]

时间无言 如此这般
明天已在 via via
风吹过的 路依然远
你的故事讲到了哪

[time flies by without a word, and so
tomorrow comes via via
the breeze blows by, the road is still long
how is your story going?]