I was cutting garlic when i thought
Will i ever deserve love?
I cut my finger on the knife
And the blood stings of grief


I was ironing out a particularly
stubborn crease on a shirt
And i remembered
You looked so good in white
I tug a little too hard on the buttons
And the fear that it would come off
Was overshadowed by the fear that
I would never see you ever again


(What if i made the wrong choice?
What if i had just
Held on for a little bit longer?)


I was heating up the tea and
As i took a small sip to test the temperature
The universe told me, you deserve better
I burnt my tongue, and the bitterness reminded me
I would feel like shit if you found your happiness elsewhere


They say the truth hits like a truck but
Sometimes it is only a few drops of tea
Bitter, when it was supposed to be sweet


And i am reminded
Not in this world
Not in this life


Even after all this time
Despite all the restraint
The love pours out of me
Uncontrollable, uninhibited
Seemingly not at all affected
By the fact that my heart is half dead
Or the fact that it has nowhere to go
Or the fact that
No one will know


Will i ever be forgiven?
Do i even deserve forgiveness?
It pains me to know
That you are going through some tough things
And yet i am not able to help
Like how my dad said he felt
When he saw my mom in labour
“I would do it for her a thousand times over”
Now i understand what it means


But i cant interfere anymore than
I already have
Or i might mess up more than
I can fix


Long after the garlic is in the pan
The shirt is worn and discarded
And the tea poured and served
My thoughts stay on you
On the bond between us
Fraying till the last, stubborn strand
The tension sky high and bubbling
Perhaps i truly am delusional
Perhaps i truly am desperate
To see things which are not there