I felt important
under your gaze
like a girl worthy of your attention
even though I was younger

it felt like
the kind of night
that would change everything
the night when I would start to live
outside the strict boundaries
of being a fourteen years old
kid

I had eyes for your friend
but I knew that I wasn’t pretty enough
to deserve his warmth
under the covers

I was content with the idea
that you would be the one
I tell my friends about
‘we kissed and cuddled all night’
it just went a bit differently

we were in bed
we didn’t kiss
on our backs
I was nervous
thinking that you could kiss me
at any moment
and change my life

you had other plans

you took my hand
my heart was beating
fast
you put it on your stomach
my heart was beating
faster
you moved my hand
down in your pants
my heart
skipped
a
beat

I pulled my hand out
shaking
it was dark
would you have put my hand
down your pants again
if you saw
the fear on my face?

you guided my fingers
around your penis
moving my hand for me
up
down
up
down

my heart stopped
beating

it felt like it lasted forever
my shaking
unenthusiastic handjob
didn’t make you come
shocker

you got up to finish yourself
not a word
it made me feel dirty
it made me feel incompetent
like a prude
who would never
be able to satisfy a guy
even
a second choice

sleepless
I stared at the ceiling all night
thinking about
what I could have done
to get a kiss
without your dick
being involved