That man should in a poem move,
Who promises to die for love.

Writers deceive us, when they say
'That Love's too blind to find his way.'
Just the reverse, they might have said,
And given him as much eye as head.
Experience marks him for a cheat;
He's full of trick as 'egg of meat.'
To gain a point, or gain command
He's always some deceit on hand;
And, what's a most unlucky state;
You find him out when 'tis too late.
Is consolation worth a louse
To know the thief who robb'd your house;
When all the goods that were your own
Are irrecoverably gone
All the returns arising there
Are only multiplying care.

Truman of Nottingham, we'll view,
Who lov'd a lass, which liv'd there too.
How far she smil'd upon the swain
We can't at present well explain.

But, as to him, I'd lay a pinch on him,
He was a lover every inch on him;
Not only lov'd, but he declar'd it;
If that won't pass, he even swear'd it.
Though this was all man ought to spare,
'Twas not enough to win the fair,
Who look'd but shy, and stood aloof,
And of returns would give no proof.

Then he protested on his life,
'If she refus'd to be his wife,
And still should disappoint his hope,
He'd climb to heaven in a rope.'

This declaration, we suspect,
Was coming to the point direct;
For if it pleads a man's excuse,
Who fastens with a Parson's noose,
Which, after all, it may be said,
Is often but a flimzy thread;
What lasting honours may he hope,
Who firmly fastens with a rope?

She ponder'd o'er the great event,
Determin'd not to give consent;
For who would venture on the seas
When the rude prospect shall displease?

James Truman, howe'er, did not care
To cast away his life in air
He'd win the girl he had in view;
But lose himself would never do.
The knowing mouse, some authors state,
Will gently nibble at the bait;
Yet never stir the trap, they tell ye,
But come away replete in belly.

To take a cord he did not fail;
Tied one end to a pasture rail,
The other end his neck went round,
While half his body press'd the ground.
Close by a foot-path was the scene,
Where people often intervene.

'The first that comes cannot miss spying
A man half-hanging and half-lying.
This plan, no doubt, my life will save;
Of hanging I the credit have.'

What springs of joy the mind invade
When we conceive our scheme well laid!

Now watching, with a steady eye,
The first who should be passing by--
The lucky time he quickly found,
Dropp'd on the rope, facing the ground.

A bowl may smoothly be ejected,
Yet meet with rubs we ne'er expected.
The passenger his errand sped,
And, ah! contrary turn'd his head.
'Twill human wisdom much advance
To leave but little room for chance.

Now the tight rope had stopp'd his breath,
And closing were the gates of death;
All sense and motion now were gone--
It chanc'd two other men came on,
Who spied a body on the slope,
The head suspended by a rope.

They cut the string--the head dropp'd down;
More help was needful than their own.
With friction, bleeding, and so forth,
At length James open'd eyes and mouth.

'O, Sally! Sally! thou mayst see
The consequence of loving thee;
The springs of life can never move
Without my dear! my all! my love!'

On him what woman would not dote,
Who tied for her the lover's knot?
She gave consent--who could withstand?
And, at the church, she gave her hand.
What happy scenes appear to view,
Of tender love between the two!

This lasted for three days, not more,
When Jemmy Truman call'd her Whore!
If this beginning you admire,
'Twas but the kindling of the fire.
Though the true lover's knot he'd tied,
In the first week he thrash'd his bride.

Should half our couples, where's the wonder,
Apply the rope to part asunder!
Thus we at matrimony flout,
Yet hang to get in, and get out.

THE SECOND PART

One hanging should you find alone,
Be cautious not to cut him down;
Lest in a little time you be
In a more dreadful state than he.

Peruse this second part with care;
Join'd to the last they'll make a pair;
Exactly like gold drop appears,
Which dangles at a lady's ears;
Or sign-board plac'd above the door,
When to the top-part hangs a lower;
Or vastly like what's yearly seen,
Th' Appendix to a Magazine.
An angle-rod is just in point,
When lengthen'd with another joint;
Or bridge convenient, if you'd rather,
That joins two distant banks together;
Or one scale like another scale:
But we'll, dear Sir, begin our tale.

Now Miss Eliza, and young Ned,
Hugg'd, courted, lov'd, agreed to wed;
And, now their joyful bliss begun,
They both were pleas'd with what they'd done.
They'd take their 'Bible oath,' in fine,
Their happiness was all divine.
The lovely sounds between them were
Prefac'd delightful with 'My dear!'
If Edward glanc'd at dearest life,
A smile was answer'd by the wife.

Nature acts perfectly, no doubt,
In what employ she sets about;
When she work'd at the Pairing trade,
Our couple for each other made.

A spring of love, so strong, so high,
You'd really think would ne'er be dry.
But novelty, like cloth, will wear,
And, like your coat, become thread-bare.
Nay, where's the thing, in all the range
Of human life, not apt to change?

Their smiles began to die away;
Instead of yes, was answer'd nay.
If either had been out awhile,
Might safely come without a smile.
Then sounds discordant, in some cases,
Like wheels before the coachman greases.

'Why do you cut the loaf so ill?'

'Then cut it better if you will.'

'You're vastly given, Ned, to tease.'

'And you as little, Bess, to please.'

'I think you mischief act in spite.'

'I wish you'd act a little right.'

'The devil take you, rogue, I say.'

'I think hell take you first away.'

A current's harmless as a lamb
When first the water breaks the dam;
But, gaining ground, no bounds can keep;
Destruction comes with mighty sweep.

From bad to worse our couple stray,
And throw a battle in our way,
With which our placid page is fill'd,
Although in fighting little skill'd.
Like French and English, war begin,
Simply to try which side can win;
And, just like them, they to their cost
Ne'er reckon what by war is lost.

Ladle and breeches, in full play,
Exerted each to win the day.
Their looks declar'd, and words and thought,
The combatants in earnest fought.
Whether the gods presided there,
Or whether devils had some share,
To guide the ladle, or the fist,
I neither know, nor will insist;
But this the humble Muse can tell,
Effective blows were pointed well.

Their furious arms brandish'd about,
Till Ned was forc'd to give it out;
Unequal match! boding no good--
Hard timber against flesh and blood!
The active tongue still mov'd; but Ned
In solemn sadness hung his head.
'What man such treatment can endure!'
For this he'll quickly find a cure.
'How can he face the world or day!'
So took his hat, and sneak'd away.
With feelings horrid in extreme,
He sought a rope, and sought a beam.

As Mr. Sanbrook by the barn
Was walking on his own concern,
He saw one, which excited care,
Suspended by a rope in air;
His active hands the cord divide
Much sooner than the knot was tied.

The body feeling warm, he knew,
'Twas best to try what art could do.
'Twixt life and death he'd interpose,
So thump'd his back, and tweak'd his nose.
Small signs of life be saw remain,
So tweak'd and thump'd, and tweak'd again.
These restoratives, that sad hour,
Were all the means within his power.

Observing Edward rather woke,
He boldly follow'd up the stroke.

When Edward could survey things o'er,
Finding his nose a little sore,
Boldly for satisfaction sought;
A writ for ''sault and batt'ry' brought.
Thus he who sav'd a life, ill-sped,
Was now in a worse state than Ned.

No farther then need I indite;
I've prov'd my motto strictly right;
In ten more lines I shall not fail
To prove the moral of my tale.

The Jury pannel'd, box'd, and swore,
Were wiser than some were before--
Declar'd the thumps and tweaks he brought
Were not from 'malice aforethought;'
A verdict gave for the defendant;
So they and I shall make an end on't.

One maxim let me state once more;
A maxim stated once before--
'Though marriage we may praise, or flout,
We hang to get in, and get out,'