A husband and wife, when they're both of one mind,
We deem them most happy--read on, and you'll find.

In all concerns a man shall share
He'd better act upon the square;
For then he'll most advantage find;
It shews an open, upright mind.
He'll rise to riches, fame, and worth;
Be courted though he boasts no birth;
While the sly rogue in want may roam,
Who robs another of his own.
For he who rakes in filth for gain
Will at no certain point refrain.
His ill-got property shall end;
The world detest him as a fiend.

What though he's lovely fruit to shew,
Which he hangs out to tempt the view,
And in the road a trap shall lay
To catch th' unwary in his way;
Perhaps his superficial gin
By chance may let the owner in.

While selfish men shall money draw
From the uncertainty of law;
While learned counsel truth despise,
Treat every subject with disguise,
And when he wins rejoices long,
Whether the cause be right or wrong;
While the pursuit of law is worse
Than if a man puts up with loss;
While he, who's right, is often found
To win, yet lose a hundred pound;
Something's amiss, most plain the fact is,
Either in law, or else the practice.

A barber led a single life,
'Till tir'd, and then he took a wife;
'But chose to swerve from gen'ral rules,
And thought the bulk of men were fools,
Who labour hard with hand and head
That idle wives may be well fed.
That man appears a silly elf
Who gives what he can eat himself.
'Twas quite the thing, he thought, through life
To be supported by a wife.
For, as to wives, who would not fly them,
Except he gains some profit by them?
A gentleman if he was made;
Aye, that must be the nicest trade. '
But here again a man may fall,
Except he's tools to work withal.
Beauty's the finest tool on earth;
His wife claim'd this in right of birth.'
Thus was the barber's fortune made;
He'd what he wanted--the best trade.

The milkman every morning came,
And with his ware supplied the dame;
For should he ever miss a day
'She'd surely be depriv'd of tea.'
And where's the maid or matron who
Would so divine a treat forego?

The time of coming was well known;
He found her usually alone.
He made good measure--stopp'd a minute--
'Her tongue had something pleasing in it.'
His pail, he on the table set it,
Apt, for five minutes, to forget it.
He press'd her hand--he glanc'd awhile
And she return'd it with a smile.
Her hand was soft--with love he burn'd;
He thought he felt the squeeze return'd;
But while, in rapture, view'd her face,
Was sure he saw the smiles increase.
Thus when on amorous billows tost,
No wonder then the man is lost.

Sometimes he thought, but only guess'd,
A tumult rose within her breast.
His eye could not distinguish well,
But thought his hand could better tell;
Yet he was fearful he'd no warrant,
To send it on that dangerous errand.

Prudence was absent, Love close press'd;
He clasp'd her round the slender waist,
And, like two harriers, in a tether,
Mov'd gently to'ards the wall together;
When she a dreadful yell begun,
'O help, o help, or I'm undone.'

The husband, and a friend in store,
Burst from behind the cellar door,
Where through a chink, convenient made,
They knew whate'er was done or said.
Cursing and blasting he began,
Like any carrier, or his man.

What were the feelings of our lover
Is not quite easy to discover.
All his internal powers were chang'd
His very system was derang'd.
He could not be astonish'd more
If thunderbolt had burst the door;
Nor could he tell, we freely own,
If he was wood, or flesh, or stone.

The husband, terrible to see,
Turn'd out the wife, and turn'd the key;
Seiz'd a large poker in great haste;
The trembling milkman stood aghast.
The friend, less wrathful, stopp'd his arms;
Said 'it was best to come to terms.'
But can a naked person treat
With an opponent arm'd compleat?
Tell me, bright Venus, from above,
Are these the melting joys of Love?

A strict enquiry now was made,
What sum, in cash, the milkman had.
But when they'd search'd his pockets round,
His capital was scarce a pound.
The culprit must, for this was kept,
Make it two guineas ere he slept.
This was a favourable doom,
For sleep was fled three nights to come.

Besides this sum, the husband swore,
'By G--I'll have ten guineas more!'
Then, from a shabby pocket-book,
A dreadful stamp, price sixpence, took,
Which, like a catch-pole, took its stand,
The moment wanted was at hand;
And wrote upon it as he sat,
'Ten guineas, two months after date.'
The captive now could not resist,
But sign'd it with a trembling fist.

Thus Frisseur his new trade began;
Was what he wish'd--the gentleman:
And found a charming specimen
How future profits would flow in;
Thought he'd his pinching irons sell,
For he could pinch without them well.

Far other thoughts the milkman seize,
But not a thought was found to please.
'What had he left to live upon?
The profits of his pail were gone.
If Love must play such pranks as these,
Within his bosom it shall freeze.'
The dose prov'd, from the barber's dove,
A pill which carried off his Love.

THE SECOND PART

'Twas for decisions such as this
I lost my property and bliss.
Could I have let both parties win,
Then safe most perfectly I'd been.

'Tis easier, in the money way,
To promise, than it is to pay.
He, too, who's been in pain awhile,
Or finds himself in durance vile,
To gain relief from cruel ill,
Will sign or promise what you will.
This was exact our hero s case;
Or milkman rather, if you please;
From whom all liberty was taken,
Except the art of promise-making.

Full many a night he slept in bed,
And yet the money was unpaid;
For, when fair freedom came in sight,
He view'd things in a diff'rent light.
'He ought, he said, to be reliev'd
From paying, when he ne'er receiv'd.'
But to the barber, gent. I mean,
The matter as before was seen.
'For if at first it was a debt,
The very same it must be yet,
And a just debt it will be thought,
Or else, how came I by this note?'

Patience will tire, when offer'd wrong;
Nor should a gentleman wait long.
'He would not these delays support;'
But sued the milkman in the court.

Now, in the flimzy stile of state,
And solemn form, the court is sat.
The lawyers powder'd, trimm'd, and fee'd,
Muster up all their powers to plead;
For fifty minutes words dispense,
When five would compass all the sense;
Will put the enemy to rout,
But trying, go a mile about;
To win the bench is their chief aim,
For then they're sure to win the game.
The bench, nail'd by long-winded sinners,
Fear only lest they lose their dinners.

By con and pro, and pro and con,
Our cause but heavily goes on.
But who can wonder matters stay,
When there's a lawyer in the way?

The fluent pleadings being o'er,
And they the cause left as before;
For howsoever words were priz'd,
Fair truth was rather more disguis'd.

The court remark'd--''Tis now our turn.
At all false colouring we spurn;
To strip the veil must be our care,
And try to see things as they are.
No prejudice must we pursue,
But give to every man his due.

If to the note it shall appear
The plaintiff has a title clear,
We'll never wrong him of a doit;
The money must go with the right;
But should the bold demand be found
To rest upon no solid ground,
We'll quash the action without fear,
And the defendant fully clear.

If this defendant form'd a plan
To trespass on another man;
The fence of virtue trampled down,
And pluck'd the fruit that's not his own;
Then our decision we declare,
Value receiv'd the note must bear.
For every shilling should lie on,
A suit to stifle of crim. con.
And in that case we plainly see
The culprit will a gainer be;
But if collusion shall appear
Between an artful husband here,
And a deceiptful wife, to fleece
The man who ne'er design'd amiss,
To bait a trap with female smiles
To catch the innocent in wiles;
Dismission we shall ratify,
And the security destroy.

Though freedom taken with the bride
In honour can't be justified;
No prudent thought his love retarded,
'Twas human nature quite unguarded.
Yet if strict justice draws the line,
It merits a reproof--not fine.

Value received--the note expresses;
Does that consist in her caresses?
If not, the bargain has a flaw,
No profit could the milkman draw.
If one faint clasp about the waist
Is worth ten guineas, snatch'd in haste,
Then full possession of the prize
Must to ten thousand guineas rise.
How happy is the plaintiff's lot,
Which so immense a treasure's got!
He'd rather she remain'd alone,
In any arms before his own.

Four things upon the trial shews
The evil from the plaintiff rose;
Shews his aversion to what's right,
And sets him in the blackest light.
Himself, with evidence in store,
Well stow'd behind the cellar door;
And this about the hour of nine
Has all th' appearance of design.

The wife cry'd out, as if for fear,
Although 'twas plain no force was there;
This for a signal was design'd,
A shatter'd character to bind.
In seeming wrath he turn'd her out;
To save appearances, no doubt.
And to complete a scheme, deep laid,
She to a female neighbour said,
'I'll pay a visit to the silkman,
We've had success, and nabb'd the milkman.'

The time, the peep-hole, and the man,
Prove it a pre-concerted plan.
'Tis said, 'the ten pound note he gave
Most freely.'--'Twas his brains to save.
But he, who is the biter bitten,
Should say, 'twas with tile poker written.

How base must be that husband's life,
Who saps the virtue of his wife;
For if he prostitutes her mind,
But one step more he'll leave behind;
This he'll surmount, without dispute,
Which is herself to prostitute.
That wife who with her husband leagues,
One to deceive with vile intrigues,
Will, with another league, to leave him,
And, both united, soon deceive him.

To quash the suit we make no stand;
From mischief tie the plaintiff's hand;
Who, from an over-fond desire,
The modes of high-life to acquire,
By any means except the good,
Has nipp'd his profits in the bud.

Now are his future prospects o'er;
Must labour, be despis'd, and poor.
His character so stain'd, no doubt,
That nothing can, but time, wash out.'