Should wife or husband take delight in
Scolding, or be inclin'd to fighting;
Some good old aunt, to make them cease,
Might drop a word that carries peace.

If you'd enjoy a happy life,
Give all indulgence to your wife;
Allow her, or you'll be absurd,
Always to utter the last word
The sooner then, as'tis her right,
You hear it, you're the gainer by't.
Answer alternate following answer
Will lead you through an irksome dance, Sir.
Retain this as a golden prize--
Great quarrels oft from nothing rise;
Then if, my friend yourself you'd serve,
Such nothings treat as they deserve.

Full often we behold a strife,
Existing between man and wife
Instead of dear, and love, and darling,
Their life consists in petty snarling
Having no quarrels with another
Keep up a jarring with each other:
They've no material ill to mourn,
Therefore make trifles serve their turn.
With words of contradiction teaze,
Much like your back when bit with fleas:
But seldom coo, like dove and dove;
More like two cats when making love;
As if he and his lovely creature
Were the worst enemies in nature.
Should a gay smile his features crown,
She can discharge it with a frown--
''Tis vastly wrong for him to smile,
And she sit silent all the while.'

If her request his ears should greet,
He finds denial vastly sweet:
For self-importance would be wanted,
Were her solicitations granted.
For power and beauty, and your shoes,
Are not to lie by, but to use.

And yet, if we attend, we find
A love sincere remains behind;
But, like a maiden in disgrace,
Not very apt to shew its face:
Or, monarchs of the Eastern nations,
Only appear on great occasions:
Or, like a miser meanly dress'd;
For Sunday only saves his best,
But we'll no more a likeness note
'Twixt kindness and a miser's coat;
For if he hacks his coat about,
Perhaps he'll quickly wear it out;
But the reverse good nature knows;
The more 'tis worn the better grows.
Though they, like dog and cat, you'd see,
Who seldom thoroughly agree;
Yet if a stranger dog appears
Both join to pull him by the ears;
As if, of all things, 'twas most pleasing
Each to ingross the art of teazing.

Two faithful lovers shall appear;
I'll not tell when, or who, or where.
Yes, I'd as good their dwelling trace,
Why they are found in ev'ry place.
Then only cast your eyes about,
And when and where you'll soon find out.

Their love was of the genuine sort;
Not mix'd, as is our Shrub and Port;
The strictest scrutiny would bear
As any horse who walks the fair;
For if through every part you go
You'd call it sound from top to toe.

'Then, as to marriage altercations,
Often productive of vexations,
They'll shun them; nay, they can't abide them,
There's nothing easier than t' avoid them;
For if a fault one speaks a while on't,
The other only need be silent;
Then, in an instant, all is well,
Before that one the fault can tell.'

Thus things were fix'd, for man and wife
T'insure their happiness through life.
Then who'd delay the joys that please,
When two young people love like these?
For Hymen's lamp, no doubt, will burn well;
They're full of love as nut of kernel.

THE SECOND PART

Spite of resolves, disguise, and care,
Yet human nature will appear.
The Negro's face though you attack
With what you will, it still is black.

Now, gentle Reader, we'll suppose
What you and every body knows--
The happiest part of human life
Is when we venture on a wife.
The prospect's charming to the mind,
For every care is left behind;
Or, if some evils should look sour,
Divide them, and they'll lose their pow'r
Our joys, like two bright flames, of course,
United, double all their force.

How long the nuptial bliss extends,
Before the happy season ends,
We'll not determine.--Yes, we will!
Some end like a short-dated bill;
(Which need receives with great delight)
Being only 'three days after sight:'
Others, a longer season wait,
Reaching to 'one month after date;'
Demanding still, in many a case,
A farther time of three days grace.
Some hold as long, since they begun,
As those which have 'two months to run.'
Thus when eternal love is swore,
It means a month or two--not more.
Our hero, and our heroine,
Above them all much brighter shine;
Like a long-winded bill, Fame says,
Continued during 'seventy days.'

Now novelty its power was losing,
And ardent love was fall'n a dosing;
Civility apace declin'd;
The dregs of temper were behind.
Whether the stream run slow or fast,
The dregs will shew themselves at last.
'Twas needful they should understand
Which of the two should lead the band:
Because in common life we see
A pair of Co's can't long agree.
How can a horse his duty do
Whose bridle guided is by two?

Love dos'd, we said, nay, took a nap,
And yet this sly and random chap
Ne'er left the husband nor the wife,
But lodgings took in both for life:
They'd too much love to cause a riot,
And contradiction to be quiet.

Should dainties on their board appear,
She relish'd nothing--he not there.
Her joy was sweeter than a nut,
When he'd been out, to hear his foot:
But instant, when she launch'd her prate,
He found his joy not quite so great;
And yet whene'er she stroak'd his beard,
She claim'd a kiss as her reward.
Nor was he ever backward yet
To pay or to contract a debt.
Whether alone, or had a guest,
She slily carv'd for him the best;
Forestall'd his wants, his relish too;
She knew them better than he knew.

If she solicited a gown,
He could deny her with a frown;
Denial was the height of joy,
Because he'd power to deny.
For he that's power to act at will
Will seldom let that power stand still:
And yet great pleasure he confess'd
Whene'er his wife was gaily dress'd.

If she was absent, day or night,
His head reclin'd; things were not right;
Full often would escape a sigh;
He knew not when, he knew not why.
Home, at all seasons, he thought dear;
But doubly so if she was there.
What though she carried stings about her,
Home was a wretched home without her:
He'd nothing left him but to mourn,
And count the hours till her return.

Thus jarring, sullen, they appear,
Yet necessary evils were.
The errors which caus'd their contending
Were very seldom worth the mending;
Nor worth a glance of either eye--
A certain cure is--pass them by.
This one remark let me indite--
Who found the fault was always right.

THE THIRD PART

The match is lighted, flame runs high;
Our pair fall out--'they know not why.'
Under a cloud of smoak is seen,
To end our Tragi-Comic scene.

We think that couple wants decorum,
Who straws collect, and stumbles o'er e'm.
Their prudence ne'er sustains a shock,
Who watch and shun a stumbling block.
The first will bring them plague enough;
The second says, you're rarely off.

Five years roll'd sluggishly along;
Some things went right, but more went wrong;
Which brought forth some few wat'ry eyes,
Answers, rejoinders, and replies;
With contradictions in great store;
Repeated disappointments more.
But, with contentions, came some joys--
One handsome girl; two charming boys.

But how shall we, from hair or pin,
A quarrel of some weight begin?
Or how select one to our mind
When there's a thousand left behind?

'Tommy, my dear, has broke his crock;
Has spilt his tea, and daub'd his frock!'

'Well, if he has, what need you brawl?
Procure a remedy for all.'

'How!' ' At the crock-shop you're well sped--
Send Tommy supperless to bed.
Then at the wash-tub, or the cock,
You'll quickly reinstate the frock.'

'So, this is all the care, I see,
You entertain for him or me.'

'I try to soften all your care;--
But you, that I should have my share.'

'I wish, by all the power that's true,
I'd never known your care, or you!
My load of grief's already great,
Yet you keep adding to the weight.'

'Under a load you need not groan--
A remedy is still your own.'

'Then, from this blessed day, we'll part--
Divide the, stock.' 'With all my heart!'

How often we, like fools at play,
Gamble our happiness away!
'Tis thus a woman and a man
Will not agree, because they can.
One soft'ning word, from him or bride,
Had set the parting scheme aside;
But, as a quarrel they desire,
Like new-made tinder catch the fire.
Though each possess'd the other's heart,
Could not agree except to part.
Their words were now, as were the past
Each side, as usual, claims the last.

But now, through every room they got--
'This shall be yours, and this shall not.'
How to divide what each shall feed on,
They soon between themselves agreed on;
Could easily climb a mountain's crown;
But little mole-hills --threw them down.

Each found the art of chattel-clearing
Without another interfering;
But the live-stock with all their art,
They could not so exactly part.

'Two children shall my portion be,'
The husband cried, 'out of the three.
The largest lot shall be my share,
'Because a father has the care.'

'No; two of them shall be my store,
Because a mother's love is more.'

'No, no; first comes a husband's voice;
Therefore he ought to have his choice.'

'Indulgence is my sex's due;
I claim priority of you.'

From pro and con, and con and pro,
Decision mov'd on rather slow.
But we must leave their pro and con,
Or else we sha'n't move one step on.

An aunt, with years completely ripe,
Lov'd them as well as she her pipe:
She entertain'd, we're bound to warrant,
Maxims which are not very current:
Old coin, of value and of weight,
Though stagnate, being out of date.

She thought her duty, and her ease,
Consisted in her love of peace;
Nay, farther, she pronounc'd it good
To end a quarrel if she cou'd.
'Twas better too, by far, to give,
As well as prudent, than receive;
Thought too, the great design of man
Was to do all the good he can.
Right to his dealings should belong;
But never, with intent, do wrong.
She would not, on a slight pretence,
Give or retaliate offence.
Such conduct could not bring, in common,
One enemy to an old woman.

Our couple then made no demur
To leave themselves and cause to her;
Fully determin'd to abide
By what the lady should decide.

Now Madam, when the pair had spoke,
Threw out a double puff of smoke--
'Three children are your stock I see,
Pray how can they divided be?
If you'd had four, or even two,
I could have justice done to you.
It cannot be decided yet
You must another child beget;'
Spoke serious, while her pipe was quaffing;
The anxious pair burst out a laughing.

Thus she, for separation loth,
Had dropp'd a word that suited both.
The couple on each other smil'd;
Forgot to part--but not the child.