When dregs of law corrupt the minds,
It shews that law should be refin'd.

With three grand things will verse look big
A judge, an apple, and a pig;
For, with a mighty pace we trudge,
Though full employ'd, to see a judge:
Nay, it would doubtless give the spleen,
E'en to himself, were he not seen.
When power and title on us lie,
Our wish is to attract the eye.

A tithe-pig's what the parson wishes;
It classes with the best of dishes.
And what man in his senses, pray,
His apples ever threw away?
These three great points being fix'd upon
You'll bear in mind--so I'll go on.

Justice! a word supremely good,
Which may be eas'ly understood;
It means no more, say all we can,
Than what is right 'twixt man and man.
Nor will the word admit a doubt;
The dullest head may find it out;
And yet our practice is so blind,
As if plain sense we could not find.

An inch she'll farther go, therefore,
And mildness shew creation o'er;
For Justice cannot smile applause
If we keep partially her laws.
Whate'er has life, insect or beast,
Claims our humanity at least.
No eye could ever Justice see
Wanton in acts of cruelty;
Keeps racks and gibbets out of sight;
To torments she's a stranger quite;
The path of mildness ne'er forsakes,
If life is forfeit, life she takes;
Teaches humanity to man
By soft'ning all the pain she can.
That treasure, life, is all his store;
A monster only covets more.

Justice! as by the chizzel made,
And is on our Guild-halls display'd,
Appears delightfully, we own,
Modell'd, most curiously, in stone.
Her countenance benign we see,
And grateful flows her drapery:
But by this dress do artists mean
She only must in stone be seen?
A pair of scales, just even made,
Declares she a mistress of her trade.
This means, that in temptation's spite
She'll deal to ev'ry man his right;
Or, should a man dispute her cause,
Her sword is to enforce her laws.
Her robes and fire, her scales and sword,
Are emblems which her worth record.
Dignity, mildness, right, and power,
Are represented by these four.

Treat not this figure with your scorn,
Because I've but an image drawn;
Know, this fair nymph is seen no where,
In such perfection as she's here;
For, if we look in common life,
People with Justice are at strife;
For her reception's most unkind;
She rarely can a lodging find;
Attempts the rich, attempts the poor;
Is frequently turn'd out of door;
Treated, while off'ring man relief,
Just like a dog who steals your beef.
People in common speak her fair,
But seldom for her maxims care.

When waves and tempests jointly roar,
And strew with wrecks the British shore,
Keen vultures, in the human form,
Plunder the refuse of the storm,
Justice steps in, with all her might,
And loudly pleads the suff'rer's right;
In vain she pleads--what thief will hear?
She turns her head, and drops a tear,
While savage man, without delay,
Takes what the sea has cast away,
With just that pity in his lip,
As in the rock which dash'd the ship.

She sees another, with dismay,
Contracting debts he'll never pay.
Perhaps his payment is a sneer,
Because a lawyer gets him clear.
The crowd look on with unconcern;
Justice and creditor may mourn.

While circumvention money draws,
And men grow rich by bankrupt laws;
Or houses set in flames at night,
That thieves may gain some plunder by't;
While those who judge may often find
An inward bias on the mind;
While many a thousand pounds of debts
Are spung'd off by certificates;
The money spent on bawd or whore,
And creditor may work for more;
While fair recovery's defeated,
And men abuse the men they've cheated;
Can Justice all these crimes discern
And still look on with unconcern?

THE SECOND PART

As solid beds of earth we see
Seem to divide the root and tree;
To place this motto, I'll not fail,
Between the preface and the tale.

Two men of wealth, in days of yore,
Quarrell'd, as men had done before;
And when folks quarrel, never stick
T'assign each other to Old Nick;
And if Old Nick cannot be had,
A Lawyer comes, and that's as bad.
But lest a single one won't do
Our bold contenders muster'd two.
By this manœuvre they could see
Each was to fleece the enemy.
But there's a truth, could they rely on't,
Each man, by chance, might fleece his client.

Examinations now begin,
Each party, there's no doubt, will win;
For as one side his case discloses,
The other in proportion loses
Each grows elate, his case so clear
That both are right they need not fear.
For, when a cause is fairly tried,
They'll gain it--by the fire-side.
If on the mind some doubts remain,
The lawyer comes--they're gone again.

The 'sizes now approach with speed,
The brief's drawn up, the counsel fee'd;
A crowd attends the Sheriff's coach,
The trumpet sounds my Lord's approach.
As far as our grand suit advances
Each client stands the best of chances;
For all weak sides discover'd there
Were guarded with the utmost care.

Though each had well his part conducted,
Counsel and witnesses instructed,
Yet, on reflection, they could find
A leading person left behind.
Counsel, and evidence, and laws,
Will go great length to win a cause;
Yet these, like hands and feet, 'tis said,
Effect not much without a head.
The Judge, they plainly understand,
Holds, like a Prince, the chief command.
His interest, it must be confess'd,
Is twice the worth of all the rest.
His favour then the cause must rest on,
But how to gain it was the question;
To offer him a bare-fac'd bribe
Would hurt the cause, and hurt his pride;
A delicacy must be shewn,
Which to no creature must be known.
For nauseous pills, when gilded nice,
Pass squeamish stomachs in a trice.

One of the suitors got a few
Of the best apples that e'er grew,
And to the learned Judge was sent
His basket, and his compliment.
The valet took the present there,
Who in the Judge's secret were.
'My Lord, a basket here I bring'--
'Open, and let me see the thing.'
For curiosity runs wild
From four-score years down to the child.
'Apples! Are these the whole? ad rot 'em,
Does nothing better lie at bottom?'
'Nothing, my Lord,' said with a sneer,
'There are no better pleaders here.'
'Can such cold language gain applause?
Was trash e'er known to gain a cause?
A single peck of apples sent
To gain a cause of vast extent!--
However, though he'll lose the suit,
I'll taste--they look like finish fruit.'

While John a lovely apple par'd,
His knife was stopp'd by something hard.
As knife and John its hardness tried,
A guinea seem'd to line th' inside.
'Ho, ho, what's here? I'll cut up more;
An apple with a golden core!
A guinea in each one that's sent!
This is a powerful argument.
Figures in rhetoric are the powers;
These go beyond--they are the flowers.
What opposition can refute
The argument of such rich fruit?'

Thus, while the master and his friend
A fruit so delicate commend,
Or, rather, the rich nest behold,
In which appears an egg of gold,
Was heard a rapping at the door,
And John descends the stairs once more.

'My Lord,' with glee the valet cries,
'I'm coming with a second prize.
The other suitor, to prevent
A losing cause, a pig has sent,
But can a pig a cause restore?
One apple's worth him o'er and o'er.
It shews, howe'er, in point of laws,
That you stand umpire in the cause.'

The pig upon the table laid,
The solemn umpire shook his head.
'A sucking pig's a feeble pleader,
He'll neither follow nor be leader.'

Now as he lay the board upon,
Nor car'd a pin for Judge or John,
The keen-ey'd umpire soon beheld
His belly more than common swell'd;
For, when the bowels leave the flank,
It ought to look a little lank.

'John,' says the judge, 'draw out your knife,
And cut the stitches--'pon my life
I never saw a sucking pig
Which shew'd a belly quite so big.'
John did the work--the belly thin is,
For out there flew a heap of guineas.
The Judge surpriz'd, and so was t'other,
They eyed the pig, and eyed each other.
Not that they fear'd a tell-tale tongue,
For they'd well known each other long;
But either of them pleas'd to find
The sweet effect upon the mind.
'This,' says the master of the law,
'Is the best pig I ever saw;
The owner, we can plainly tell,
Spar'd no expence to feed him well.
Among the miracles of old
We never find guts turn'd to gold;
And sure as liquor's in that cup,
This pig will eat those apples up.'