It started out as a harmless act
I skipped my lunch and studied for school
I had no people to sit with and I was not hungry
So the devil on my shoulder gave me a new rule

Sure I was hungry at first
books for company, water my only snack
But mostly I was lonely and afraid of myself
I was down in the dumps waiting for payback

It became a challenge
How long could I go without eating
It gave me a sense of control
A purpose for one more day of living

I started to skip breakfast
Stopped putting so much food on my plate
I was only trying to feel accepted
While also trying to lose some weight

I lost my appetite without a fight
The wild hunger makes me feel whole
My insides scream throughout the night
But it's all beginning to take its toll

I’ve learned to enjoy the weakening pain
The coldness in sweltering warm rooms
The dizziness and blackouts in the mornings
The long nights over toilet bowls in bathrooms

I will eat no more than the day before
I keep a diary of everything I eat
Anything I enjoyed I label in red
I cut out sugars then cut out meat

When I sit down to dinner
I don’t see food just numbers
I see that I will have to run six miles
Just to earn some cucumbers

I am to never enjoy food, I’ll torture myself
For I am ugly and disgusting,
And I’ll never be thin or pretty
No one will be aware of my distrusting

When I lost the weight I still felt fat
I decided it was not perfection
So that five pounds turned into ten
Before long I got scared of my reflection

And with the weight that I drop
My self-hate is so hard to ignore
All I want is to curl up in a bawl and die
And bring peace to this internal war

The number on the scale drops
As I search for perfection
But in the mirror, the fat stays
It damages my reflection

You could run your hands
through the valley of my ribs
between each vertebrae
And over my pointy hilltop hips

But all I see is my moon filled belly
My gigantic thighs, My worn-out eyes
I see my ugly face all puffy from crying
As I point each flaw in my imperfect body

I hate how it controls my life
How meals become problems much greater
Turns dinners into a math problem
But I hate being the calculator

This has ruined my life
Left me in sinking in a black hole
There is no way to climb out
I couldn’t do it, no longer in control