Its 3 am and I’m staring at the ceiling
These walls are as blank as my future
I just don’t see a future for me anymore
I’m just so lost and so confused
It's been the years of holding this family together
And I just don’t know what I’ve got left to give
And as I lay here in bed I remember all times
I filled in for my mother and my father

As a kid I took care of the kids, I filled the role of a parent
As far back as I can remember you guys were never there
I woke them up, got them ready for school, packed their lunch
I made sure to entertain them on cold rainy days
And that they got a clean shower and hot meal for dinner
I did things like paying the bills and keeping the house clean
And when repairs needed to be made, I swung the hammer

Then came the baby, I love that thing to death
But come on parents use some god damn protection
You knew that you could never provide for that child
And as soon as he was born you left on a plane
I didn’t see either of you for two months straight
How was I to know how to take care of him?
I was a child, only eight, but I took on that duty
And I did learn and I changed his dirty diapers
I made sure he was okay, I kept him alive

At age nine I started to work just so that we had food
All our money went to my mother's addiction
And my father's fancy new girlfriend
Neither could hold down a job for more than a week
They were too unreliable, always up in the air
I couldn’t depend on them for anything
I tiptoed around them like ticking time bombs

When I did see my mother she unloaded her baggage on me
I was my mother's therapist, she would spill all her problems
All while snorting some coke or shooting up heroin
I had to care for her emotional well being
Telling me all about her relationship problems
And demanding to give her worthy advice
But being a kid I had no clue, what do I tell her
And when she would turn up empty-handed
She’d blame me, then turn to the bottle

By the time I was thirteen I held down three jobs
Things at home were terrible and bad
I dropped out of school and started homeschooling
It was not a choice, I had to provide for the family
But I was sad and disappointed to leave school
I was always smart and in gifted programs
And I loved my studies and I was super motivated
But after working 18-hour shifts and keeping up
Taking care of the kids, I was just so exhausted
I’d sit down to learn algebra but ended up falling asleep
My concentration was absent as I had more pressing issues
Like making sure the house was paid for and a hot meal on the table
But even more than that, was my brother staying out of trouble
Or is my sister’s new boyfriend treating her right
Or are they going to turn out all right?

I’ve had to raise the kids and I really tried my best
I’ve told the kids that with hard work and dedication
They can break the cycle of addiction and poverty
That they can be whatever they want to be
That I will love them no matter what
They’ve always looked up to me, I’m aware of that
I guess I’ve always tried to compensate
for the parents I never had

The kids are getting older now and
some are thinking about college and life beyond
They all have such bright futures and
It sounds wrong but I’m kind of jealous
I’ve always wanted to get out of this town
To become different than what I grew up being
I wanted to get a degree and find a job that I love
I wanted to find the women of my dreams
And adopt so many kids and give them all my love
But those dreams have been washed away for so long
They were a child's dream, never meant to come true

There is no future for me, nothing to strive for
Once the kids are gone, I’ve got nothing to live for
I’m useless and worthless, just a waste of space
It just seems so dark and cold and alone
I mean even if I tried what would I do
I don’t even know what I like because I was
Train to never have an opinion and to suppress
my own emotions, plus I barely have an education
I wish that I could take my own advice and run
But I am chained to a past that I can’t run from
The things that I did and do to stay alive
They hold me down and trap me inside
I wonder if I did everything right
Did I protect the kids well enough
But like I said the futures grey
Why even live one more day