The first time
it was at your place we went back to
the last tram was wailing round the corner
and the neighbours' radio played unearthly jazz
as I sat on the edge of the bed
struggling with my shoes
I felt shy:
could I do it
that first time

the first time
I sweated like an otter
my body had never moved this way before
in such a tender awkward tussle

we bit each other's mouths
sweet blood joining
lust and love
as never later

the first time
you wanted the light out
I said let's leave it on

in the half-dark compromise
- the light of the night-time city
falling through the window
wheedled down beside us -
I saw that your eyes saw
something I couldn't see
fathomlessly far off
in your half-open mouth
death was jeering

The first time
after it was over
we smoked a cigarette
you'd seen them do that in the French film
I spilt ash on my chest
sniffed my finger

that feeling:
that the world lay open for you
all cities welcoming
seas navigable
mountains surmountable
nothing could stop me now
I felt like starting out right away

but first of all
the second time