Some times I raise my voice and I get pretty loud.
I'm George Costanza and that doesn't make me proud.
I'm a loser and I'm not exaggerating.
My mother caught me masturbating.
I dumped a woman because she beat me at chess.
Everytime I date a woman, it ends up in a mess.
I have a tiny brain, the inside of my head is filled with lots of space.
When I told Marisa Tomei that I was engaged, she punched me in the face.
When it comes to me, there is no hope.
My fiance died after I bought toxic envelopes.
I gave the cleaning lady a casimere sweater that had a red dot.
She told the boss that we had sex and he fired me on the spot.
Everytime I do something, I don't win.
If you think you're a bigger loser than me, you'd better think again.

(BASED ON THE CHARACTER ON SEINFELD.)