Comedy Poems
Main Eventless
by Jimmy GrahamThis one is for your money. I require payment in hard currency for my efforts at distraction. Twice I've told you about the event and it's the main one. No salted pork here! We serve brutal, offensive, and difficult to deficat pre-popped muscle meat. Breathe in the waxiness that slowly makes it easier for you to remain a shitty type of sheep. Allegorical assholeness is funny but not when you witness a beastly forty-something weirdo prove his points to many detractors simultaneously. I hate saying twas but that'd be better than beginning another sentence with....I.
Continue readingNobody Will Pay The Kidnapper
by Randy Johnson
A man has kidnapped two people and is demanding 50 million for their safe return.
But people have discovered who the two hostages are and they are not concerned.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the two people who have been kidnapped.
People won't give a plug nickel for the safe return of those two pieces of crap.
Clinton and Trump won't be coming home any time soon, they are trapped.
If somebody does pay the ransom, he or she will certainly deserve to be slapped.
Your Car Sucks!
by Randy Johnson
You've designed a new electric car and it's being built on the assembly line.
You've been pestering me to buy one but I never will, one of your cars will never be mine.
You want me to buy one but I'm going to pass.
Your car sucks and you can shove it up your ass.
It takes fourteen hours to charge it and it can only be driven for thirty minutes.
Your car is a joke and when it comes to one of them, you'll never see me in it.
If I couldn't design a better car than yours, I'd give up and quit.
I will never buy one of your cars because they are pieces of shit.
Life is a Circus
by Priya Goel
A young lad blossoms from a petal,
Many challenges to come and yet to settle.
Here begins life's crazy circus,
To be happy but yet sometimes serious.
A circus to be a star in your own ring,
To keep trying and never stop thinking.
To lean not too far in one direction,
Find a balance even beneath the most odd collection.
......
April Fool's Prank
by Randy Johnson
Three convenience store employees thought what they did was funny but I think it was cruel.
Those three people said that I won a thirty million dollar lottery and then yelled "April Fool".
They sold me a fake lottery ticket with the winning numbers.
They started laughing and said that a person couldn't be any dumber.
For a few minutes, they tricked me into thinking that I was a rich man.
I thought that I could drive a Rolls Royce and throw away my minivan.
When those idiots yelled "April Fool", all hell broke loose.
They thought it was funny and didn't expect such abuse.
I beat the hell out of all three of them and they made loud thuds when they fell.
I'm as poor as I ever was and now I will be spending the next year or two in jail.
......
Main Eventless
by Jimmy GrahamThis one is for your money. I require payment in hard currency for my efforts at distraction. Twice I've told you about the event and it's the main one. No salted pork here! We serve brutal, offensive, and difficult to deficat pre-popped muscle meat. Breathe in the waxiness that slowly makes it easier for you to remain a shitty type of sheep. Allegorical assholeness is funny but not when you witness a beastly forty-something weirdo prove his points to many detractors simultaneously. I hate saying twas but that'd be better than beginning another sentence with....I.
Continue readingLightening
by Percules The Poet
Not many things in life tend to get me real excited.
But I get so high that I am flying.
I could go on endlessly page after page just writing.
My demons everyday I am fighting.
I make them disappear like they are lightening.
Everything will have its own timing.
Every fire first has to be ignited.
I will be the one to light it.
If you want my time you have to buy it.
Solve your problems instead of wasting your time crying.
......
Life is a Circus
by Priya Goel
A young lad blossoms from a petal,
Many challenges to come and yet to settle.
Here begins life's crazy circus,
To be happy but yet sometimes serious.
A circus to be a star in your own ring,
To keep trying and never stop thinking.
To lean not too far in one direction,
Find a balance even beneath the most odd collection.
......
Unfortunate birthday
by Roxana Darvish
The midwife said "yikes!" And looked at the pale creature
"No man will take her as wife, she better become a teacher"
Mother asked "that bad?" Midwife shook her head
Mother sighed and said " I wish I were dead"
Then she took a breath, and asked for her mate
......
Princess Peach Turned Out To Be A Snob
by Randy Johnson
I had to travel through eight worlds to save Princess Peach.
But she's about as warm and caring as a blood sucking leech.
After killing seven fake Bowsers, I finally destroyed the real one.
I did it to save Peach but it was something I shouldn't have done.
She turned out to be a snob, she called me dumb and Luigi dumber.
She said that we're worthless in her eyes because we're just plumbers.
I had to fight turtles and Goombas, and I told her that I deserved to be thanked.
She said that I'm dust beneath her feet and I decided that she should be spanked.
I put her over my knee and I spanked that soft ass.
She cried and cried which proves that she has no class.
......
