I’ve got so many voices inside my head,
my Schizophrenia’s keeping them fed,
I’m starting to feel lost within myself,
think I’m turning into someone else.
I’m always planning my escape,
before my brain can escalate.
“I can’t find it,
......
"Panic attack," they say.
Is this it?
I whisper, my voice shaking.
I know it’s just in my head,
Everything’s fine.
But then, my heart races—
A drum I can’t outrun.
I flee to the bathroom,
Lock myself in a stall,
......
The world is spinning faster than I can plant my feet
Change rattles my mind, and all I do is my best to stay the same
But do I really love this guy?
I stutter when I step,
I tremble when I talk,
I miss the days where I felt like
All of the words I spoke were so beautiful
Maybe I lost me while I was trying so hard to keep him
......
Standing on the platform, desperately trying to conform. Longing to fit in.
These thoughts inside my head, they tell me I’m better off dead. What if I just took one step forward, then another… and another. Knowing that the next train would surely smother… me.
I’m a prisoner in my own mind, some may say I’m one of a kind but I don’t think so. I’m just a warrior fighting daily battles just like anybody else, right? Wrong. We may all struggle but I am in my own fight. My own mind. One of a kind.
I and my suitcase are boarding the train now. I managed to fight and resist the urges somehow.
Seated, Feeling defeated. One headphone in my ear listening to some new pop song. I’m people watching as other desperate souls walk along the platform beside me.
......
Everything has already been said
I don’t need to repeat the words inside my head
Don’t need to say how I feel or
Tell you that I can’t take it anymore
Disappointed writing this
You’re telling me you’re proud
It just feels like I might miss
Out on things, the voices are too loud
......
"Panic attack," they say.
Is this it?
I whisper, my voice shaking.
I know it’s just in my head,
Everything’s fine.
But then, my heart races—
A drum I can’t outrun.
I flee to the bathroom,
Lock myself in a stall,
......
To that petulant emissary of death
That seeks to chase me always
Like exhale after breath
As if i were life itself
With its beauty given birthright
......
Every wave overpowers the previous,
Each stronger than before.
An endless cycle of crashing upon tides rolling back.
They seen to constantly strengthen,
But the beach will never be overtaken.
Moments of strength will fade,
Making the next much more powerful.
11/15/23
Legs bouncing
hands shaking
I feel my hair stick up on my legs and arms
this cold feeling of my adolescence fades
and the warm morning glaze of new horizons washes over me
all the things I used to love
The teddy bear that still sleeps next to me at night
waking up without caring
fearing
longing for that smell of sterile school air
......
i helped myself.
I wiped my own tears.
Plastered over fresh wounds and parts of my heart that were still hurting.
I gave myself time.
I read books that soothed my soul.
I listened to music that calmed my nerves.
I watched movies that made me smile.
Piece by piece,
I put myself back together again.
......