Hello!
How have you been?
Ah that's cool. What happened then?
What happened then?
what Happened then?
what happened Then?
Why is there a disconnect?
What happened
What happened
What happened
......
‘This is nowhere good enough’ you scream in your head,
Causing criticism to resonate, and deeply embed.
You’re tossing and turning in an attempt to gain sleep;
Trying to ignore where your insecurities creep.
In every sentence, an error to be seen;
Projected to all on a big, bright, bold screen.
The sneers and side-glances that make your heart ache;
The fear of being judged for a simple mistake.
......
If only I didn’t care.
I didn’t care how my hair looked that day, how clear my skin was, how bloated I was, how white my teeth looked, how puffy my cheeks were or how dark my eye bags looked.
If only I didn’t care if what I wore looked nice, if my pants made my bottom look good, if my shirt made me look fat, if my backpack looked cheap, if my shoes looked clean and new, if my jewelry didn’t look tacky, or if my glasses sat right on my nose.
If only I didn’t care when my laugh was too loud, when I talked too much or too little, when I said something weird, when I was awkward, when I said something embarrassing, when I walked weird or when no one cared what I said.
I didn’t care if people looked at me weird, mocked me, if they thought I was annoying, thought I was easy, thought I was crazy, thought I was smart, thought I was dumb, thought I was boring or too much
If only I didn’t care I had no skill, didn’t know how to play an instrument, or sing, or play a sport, or be good at word games, or board games, or video games, or organizing, or drawing, or crafting, or how I can’t ride a bike or whistle.
If only I didn’t care.
Just be free.
Not care.
Not care about tomorrow.
......
My room is so messy
But I can't seem to clean
I try to explain it,
But I can't say what I mean.
My room is too stuffy,
Outside is too cold,
The dishes need washing
Before they grow mold.
......
Every wave overpowers the previous,
Each stronger than before.
An endless cycle of crashing upon tides rolling back.
They seen to constantly strengthen,
But the beach will never be overtaken.
Moments of strength will fade,
Making the next much more powerful.
11/15/23
Who's this man in the mirror,
I have seen him, don't know him.
He is hostile, he doesn't like me,
Never believes a word I say,
I don't either,
Sometimes he cries tenderly,
I don't want to join him.
He will never like me,
It's not worth even trying.
Sorrow fills my heart like a barrel of lead
Regret drowns my spirit like a vengeful foe
Guilt gnaws my peace like a beast starved
Fear rises from my gut like a bubbling volcano
Pain clouds my sight and snatches my breath
I run - Despair lingers and hovers at every turn
An occasional burst of light - A flash - An image evades my grasp
Pain cripples my bones - And it's dark again
"Panic attack," they say.
Is this it?
I whisper, my voice shaking.
I know it’s just in my head,
Everything’s fine.
But then, my heart races—
A drum I can’t outrun.
I flee to the bathroom,
Lock myself in a stall,
......
To that petulant emissary of death
That seeks to chase me always
Like exhale after breath
As if i were life itself
With its beauty given birthright
......
Every wave overpowers the previous,
Each stronger than before.
An endless cycle of crashing upon tides rolling back.
They seen to constantly strengthen,
But the beach will never be overtaken.
Moments of strength will fade,
Making the next much more powerful.
11/15/23