You need to be broken, cracked open, to discover deeper layers to your being. The good news is that you can never completely break, for what you truly are cannot die. So as you break, all that dies are protective layers, illusions, and walls you have inherited from your surroundings and sustained because you didn’t know any better.
So let yourself break, and let the pain that arises be the fire that burns away all your doubts. Step back and allow these intense and scary emotions to run through your veins. These feelings are not your enemies, and deep down, you know this. They are but contracted love - your own repressed, malnourished, scared inner child crying out to be heard. As you become their embrace, they will unfold and bloom into powerful allies, like trees of such might and beauty that sustain your destiny’s unfolding.
Don’t be scared of your pain, and if you are, don’t add to it with more disdain. Acceptance is ever-present, and even your perfect inability to accept how you feel is already accepted, or else it wouldn’t be happening. Now you are free, not because you’re in control of yourself, but because you’ve let go of your anxious grasp on life. You’ve rediscovered your very own childlike freedom that is so deeply rooted in unknowing, in letting go and embracing what life sets before you. You never needed to become anyone, never needed to earn acceptance. Life has already said “yes” to you, for it has been unconditionally nourishing you until this very point. You are nature’s gift to itself, you breathe its air and eat its fruits, you stand in awe at its beauty and unknowingly carry out your divine duty, just by being you - a role no one else could fill.
Allow yourself to break now, to become a total mess. Drop your theatrical composure, with which you might have fooled other personas, but never could find any meaningful closure. Let the fear of being nobody fill your heart and brutally tear it apart, for every layer that falls away is a courageous step into the light of a new day.
And if you ever wonder what this pain is all about, it is not merely a source of frustration, but the very source of your being, the infinite power of creation. It is truly God’s fertile breath, the source of all life and the antidote to death. Scary it may be, but full of life for eternity. The dark, empty bottom of your being is where paradise reveals. Beyond space and time, beyond all definitions and names, the only thing that remains is the naked sense of “I”, the place where you and God stand eye to eye - one more step, now you’ve melted in his might.
......
It is summer.
On my walks I have frequented the most beautiful flower you could conceive. It stands in a clearing across from the gravel path I stand on. I stood in awe of it every time I passed until I realized I could not live with myself if I did not approach this flower.
So I walked off my gravel path into the meadows; an experience that was unnatural to me. I approached the flower and was even more baffled by it up close. Its petals showed an assortment of different colours; each different and distinct from the other. I conversed with it telling it my deepest secrets, my dreams, my fears. It did not turn away from me or look at my soul with disgust. It stood tall despite its short stature and remained in bloom not coiling away from me.
I soon began talking with it every day never skipping my walk. Each day I’d notice a new petal I had not discovered. I wished to see them all, to be the only one who caressed them gently. One day a thorn pricked my hand, and I was left bleeding, but I wasn’t angry with the flower. I was merely excited to discover its every thorn and learn to navigate them. To show it I care for them just as much as Its petals.
A vase, I’ll put it in a vase and take it home, where I can spend the rest of my life with it. I approached it like I do every day I walk to the meadows and bend down to speak with it. Today however is different. This flower will be mine and mine alone until we wither away. I pull out my shears and press it to its neck, but just as I am about to cut. I look at it and I cry.
For I know that to bring it with me would only make them wither. What a grave crime it would be to rip it from its home where it bloomed into my life. I could change its water every day, give it the comfiest vase, put it on the windowsill where all the sunshine could reach. I could even preserve it so that its beauty would last forever, but I know this is a falsehood; it would be nothing but a husk. All these things I would do, yet I know the only truth is that this flower cannot remain happy or healthy if it were mine.
......
Letting go of the past is excruciating,
the pain that once ravaged me.
Why is it so hard?
Because, within that anguish,
I found a fleeting comfort,
though it was but a façade—
hollow declarations of love
from those who never truly cared.
I yearned for someone to hold me,
to whisper, “I love you,”
......
The moment we do
Perceive that we’re imperfect,
We try to succeed.
I always thought storm chasers
were a little crazy
these men with cameras
and beater cars
driving into the middle of nowhere
to chase an impending disaster.
Their faces would be split with a smile
almost drunk with pleasure
as they maneuvered their car across fields
and roads
......
Through the thick mist,
I look down upon the grassy lands,
It is remorseful when I see-
the broken silver needle, on the stone slab.
Who left it behind, or did someone present it?
was it a gift or a memoir for the soul around it?
But maybe it was neither,
maybe- it was the stone that crafted it,
as a closer look sights me the rough cuts,
the many failed thin rods, stacked to the side.
......
In arid lands, a rose so rare,
You bloomed, a wonder beyond compare.
Your beauty shines, a priceless treasure bright,
A jewel that illuminates my darkest night.
To love you's a fight I'm doomed to lose,
A hopeless quest, my heart forever bruised.
Your heart's a guiding light, shining afar,
In someone else's garden, where love's a shining star.
......
Letting go of the past is excruciating,
the pain that once ravaged me.
Why is it so hard?
Because, within that anguish,
I found a fleeting comfort,
though it was but a façade—
hollow declarations of love
from those who never truly cared.
I yearned for someone to hold me,
to whisper, “I love you,”
......
A thousand whispers
Echo in my mind
The what ifs and the maybes
That have kept me here, confined.
An inner universe forgotten.
An undiscovered life
To find the courage of acceptance
To heal the child inside
I always thought storm chasers
were a little crazy
these men with cameras
and beater cars
driving into the middle of nowhere
to chase an impending disaster.
Their faces would be split with a smile
almost drunk with pleasure
as they maneuvered their car across fields
and roads
......