only recently did i come across this curiosity,
how strange... eerie even... this should be focusing
on a period of the history of photography
when it was still black and white -
perhaps even the days of the polaroid...
perhaps it was sartre who said:
to exist is to be seen -
imagine my shock, 8 years later,
the girl i was once dating...
new years eve party...
i was the camel and the bear for the children...
i picked up one rugrat by the legs
flipped him upside down and let him dangle...
then i got on my arms and knees and
played the donkey...
the sleeping concept of fatherhood...
and they pulled at my hair and they pulled
at my nose and my ears...
and all the while i was drinking my Irish stout
brew... not exactly sure whether the emergence
of memes was somehow related to genes -
to a rothchild blood lineage...
after all... borrowed concept from christ:
some people believe with a hint of cinnamon
that he did produce a bloodline...
otherwise? the father of a billion people...
all related by a hive mentality -
outlier heretics, etc.:
completely unrelated to any biological
lineage... all related to the virus of the mind that
upset the... how many sects?
the pharisees, the sadducees...
the ego that morphed into a sperm
and fucked... a decent proportion of the world's
population into an orgy-esque time period
of 2000 years worth of continual ejaculation...
and there's little compound me...
"solipsist": well... if i'm to father myself...
till the moment mother death takes my father
and my mother when met with mother death
implodes into a black hole...
my ego my foetus... will i continue my rebellion
against being fucked by jesus almighty?!
beside the point...
in the age of the selfie... what a deadening approach
to photography...
can you remember the last time
someone took a photograph of you?
and you were completely unaware?
to be is to be seen...
moreoever - that's a very voyeuristic statement:
and jean paul sartre had a peeping-tom
in him regarding the judas (that peep hole
in the door)... but when it's a scenario where...
the girl you used to date sister takes an interest
in you: god... she was photography mad...
i don't know if she still does it...
but you remember her as...
you were 17... she was 14...
and everything was just an ill omen...
i've seen love at first sight...
thrice forward and once in reverse...
well... this is just one of those examples...
she used to refer to me:
as the guy who always wore the colours of the earth...
green and brown primarily...
as the guy who would play black sabbath's solitude
and she would think it was country...
as we stayed alone in the same house...
till her parents returned... and all i ever wanted to do
was to tell her: we should wash the dishes
so your mum doesn't have to do it when she comes back
from work... which we did...
but i know what love at first sight looks like:
it's usually mismatched - esp. when it takes
an older man (4 years, jeez.... o.k. maybe 5,
but when you're still both teenagers?
it's hardly a hightened polarity of:
lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. my sin,
my soul. lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking
a trip of three steps down the palate to tap,
at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
she was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning...
yeah... a bit of a different scenario...
after all, i'm not old money former russian aristocracy,
living in a hotel in switzerland,
engaging with both life and day as
a fucking lepidopterologist: oh sure, sure...
not subtle metaphor there! nothing to see! move along!
i should know about the hightened sexuality
of children... you'd imagine that, unconsciously...
you'd still feed into the whole:
did my luciferean head just come out
a vagina? is my head a phallus in reverse / inverse?
am i the birth of the only non-replicable
orgasm?
i first started jerking off aged 8...
a church was being built and me and the gang
were doing our usual tag chasing in the church's
foundation... i stumbled upon a porno mag...
took it home... jerked off...
and lucky for you... or me...
ejaculating sperm is non-sensory...
i felt the sensation of ejaculation before
i could even ejaculate... so much so that when
i first moved to england as an immigrant and i was
cooked up in a single room with my parents
while about 20 other polack men slept around
the house with the owners: a jewish man
and a polack tsarina and her three offspring...
i once taught a circumcised boy
how to masturbate telling him:
stroke it long enough... there's a funny sensation
at the end of that rainbow...
i was 9 he was 8... in a point of history
when adults allowed children to bath together...
come to think of it...
when i think back...
it's almost like that etching...
Gustave Doré's: Satan contemplates a Serpent...
woo ooh... look at me...
not a sodden drop of imagination for me to waste
in the YA genre of selling books and toilet paper!
or were you ever whipped with thin belts
after your mother became hysterical since you
went missing... after you took a walk with
a problem in waiting: a boy named Hubert...
who's mother commited suicide: everyone said
she did so by shrinking her stomach by drinking
white vinegar... and your mother thought you took
a walk with Cain... you and Hubert went into
an abandoned house, a relic: even the memory
of it forgotten - and you don't remember exactly
what happened - but the Cain in Hubert remained
subdued - you went home together -
Hubert went to a home where his mum commited
suicide... while you received a beating
and a hot bath... the fucking irony!
and you also had the sort of childhood these current
bubble-wrapped children have...
you had fights... you bled... you played tag
around a dumpster with one kid: 2 on 1...
with the whole point of tag being:
kicking the loser up the ass...
to then have the loser's big brother kick you
in the ass... with then your neighbours:
the krzysiek and grzesiek (christopher &
gregory) the infamous Bucior twins turn over
the car of the loser's big brother to the side...
it was only... a fiat 126p...
four... four! four fucking years of childhood
in poland from 1989 through to 1994... circa...
and i'm still a fucking banker stuck in
El Dorado for ensuring my memory is
an l.s.d. trip... after all... the more time elapses...
and the more i remember those years?
the more i'm tripping...
after that? 8 to 11...
in england? coca-cola, blue peter,
screens... taking a bus to st. augustines, alone...
learning to swim: by myself -
i would be caught dead sooner than
be caught unable to swim... a cycling badge...
look out hot mummah death...
speed demon on the bicycle... back when
the gants kill... sorry... the gants hill roundabout
was a... "a bit of a gamble" to inject
yourself into the traffic...
even now... i was never angry...
slipknot just released a new album...
lo! behold the horizon of the song nero forte...
anger became adrenaline...
you can only counter existential anger
of male youth into adrenaline...
it's like discovering the philosopher's stone...
when you can cool off the anger by
turning it into adrenaline... fucking st. silvester's
fireworks!
well... you hardly want to end up being
the sour pickle... do you?
you can at best sooth the anger by turning
it into an adventure of seeking adrenaline rushes...
headphones in,
no exoskeleton... plunging into a whirlwind
of traffic of the former fame gants hill roundabout...
but the real mourning comes in the form
of photography...
when was the last time that someone took
a photograph of anyone - when they weren't looking?
has the photograph replaced
the chanced imperfection waiting to stand
before the mirror?
in summary: he was who he was...
but at least he's not the sort of people he was
forced to protect... in the lower eschelons of society
a pimp would have been killed
by the moral crusader in the form of travis bickle...
sure... a pimp was murdered...
but it wasn't by some travis bickle...
the pimp was murdered by people much
worse than the pimp...
there was no moral crusader to inact
genuine justice... hence this ode...
since it's just oh... oh so unsatisfying and...
blatant and arrogant and:
the shadows of these people are nothing
more than leeches...
here's my antithesis of a selfie.