can you conceive of an in-built: a priori "gender" gratification "ontologies": i.e. the male ontology, the pre-deconstructive focus of a willing change? well... what's the canvas like these days in academia? i still hold a door open for a woman, among, the, "plebs"... i'm a pleb too... woo hoo! so now i have to conceive of the gentle trickle of an ex-built: a posteriori "gender" counter-justification "ontologies": i.e. the... she-man ontology, the post-/ pro-deconstructive focus of unwilling change to the reminiscent continuum of circumstances... oh... you know me, academics just love, love verbiage... this is just one exempli gratia... it does mean something per se... but, hush... on the privy? it can mean, whatever you want it to mean... once upon a time: a man used to find gratification in gender "stereotypes"... there really was a gratification process subconsciously working its way into moulding a man... now? eh... the sort of tom waits' elongated eh from glitter & dust live: live circus... that one... this is a great kandinsky-esque verbiage collage... academics will probably focus on the isolated meanings of words, mumbo-jumbo them back together in a pale replica of voodoo brainstorming and: ici, voilà, alors... à savoir, voilà, c'est-à-dire... which makes heidegger's pedantic schemes... well... da-sein counter... there is such an indefinite article... reducing words to conjunctions borrowed from AND... then applying the article category... da-sein: there-being... there's being... that's really an indefinite article of... sein: being, very fucking ambigious... i have to curse... i'm writing an oath... if "offended" you probably say worse things in satan's synagogue of sexual intercourse... where you should be speaking vowels and syllables and onomatopoeias rather than full sentences... no one is a saint... here! i'm giving you something on a platter... i'm not using hiedegger's temporal mentality of: across the seven seas, the seven mountains the seven rivers motto for hope... here we are... here, now: hier, jetzt... you figure it out... so am i! oh sure, now we know there's (an) existence to be had, lived, experienced, closed... it's almost a cosmic joke that finds its genesis in: voilà! while the exodus is much more painful... since we're not exactly looking at a magician, or a gymnast... we're looking at... a science school-teacher... we're looking at... a clerk, a street-cleaner, a bus driver... oh sure, sure... voilà! the insurgent immediacy of the awe-insirping rush... then again... perhaps Heidegger implies... the sort of validation of voilà! via da-sein of... the sercret affair of: mundane job, but a kick-ass hobby? hier has no potential beside the collective awe-numbing: oops"?", while da-? there? well there is a vector, a linear framework of ABC (0, 0, 0) confined to an end of: (1, 1, 1)... da-sein is a look into a future, it's not the hier- voilà! -sein fatalist approach of inspection... it's a look into the future... i'll always read philosophy in polish, look at german words, and reply in english... that's how my bilingualism works... two firm pillars... and several loose cannons... i hear one academic speak, i tune into bbc radio 4... i swap my tongue for 9 itchy fingers... mostly index, middle, ring of either arm... sometimes the pinky, sometimes the thumb... ballet of the fingers... and always regarding imitation amphetamines... how can you keep a tornado in your head, without your ego spewing out shrapnel... cohesive sentence structures, narratives? that's long gone... it comes, it goes: just as the whiskey flows... for all its worth: i can vow a true statement with reiteration... once upon a time there did exist a stereotypical a gender-defining ontological-gratification, and exclusivity stratum - of the only two tiers in existence... most men probably miss this gender-defining gratification of... pseudo-malaise... it felt comfortable performing banal res-extensa-theatre tidbits... the simplest of things (acts, etc.) always brought out the most selfless joys... the grand replacement of the Muses and the Furies... ex-pec-ta-tions... morose social norms... and we as men complied... now? how about a song... matta... chaos reigns... how's that? if i was in this game: which i am not a part of... who wouldn't be tired?! to have courted the general splendour of the ramped-up polar opposite ballett via mediocre instances of sexual differences... now? this... fiend... this figment of everyone's seemingly sleeping faculty of imagination... of recurring dreams... of nights without dreams... i am a foreigner and having made the utmost utility of this language... i cannot speak for it, with the sort of biological stigmata of an english caste system... very much apparent come the Royal Ascot... as i also not a foster parent, or some ultimate-whoring example of a surrogate mother... oh believe me... i bring redemption for prostitutes... i've paid a tenner extra for 110quid an hour to show you the hydra in my gob... redemption is all prostitutes deserve... there's a tier above them... surrogate mothers... a bit different, fucking a harem of a single vagina... quiet another to be a surrogate mother for two homosexuals... that's another level! prostituting your vagina for an hour? em... prostituting your womb for nine months?! there is no "relatively" speaking here, it's not a rhetorical question... this comes when the women disgrace prostitutes, calling all pundits: slavers... girl likes to fuck, and she fucks in the most face-to-face fashion... but i'm pretty sure, that same girl, doesn't rent out her womb for nine months so Jim & Joe can have a fuck-up of a toddler's worth of a leather napkin... to wipe off the otherwise apparent semen from them gobbing down a perfect baked alaskan lolly! but you'd have to visit Amsterdam for that sort of perspective... away from England and that perverse Carry On! sex humour that states: we're all nuns! under the omnipresent scrutiny... and then... 1960s shameless orgy... that's what i learned about the English... two-faced nymphomaniacs... or whatever decree... why didn't Henry VIII decide on a harem... or polygamy? i don't like the way the English concern themselves with sex... using terms like: joke, naughty... all things crass... infantile... i hate it... it actually creates a brimming spectacle of boiling water in my head and heart... pretending to be this puritanical could only take a hypocrite to craft a performance act... seems the english have only one form of escapism... sex... which would explain why they need to dress it with as much innocence as possible... which in turn translates into unfathomable depravity... perhaps not in the en masse sense... but at least a few thousand seances... akin to those sex acts... that would require a voyeur, a dajjal... to be looking... for the man to get an erection... or the woman to be aroused... the third party principle... otherwise? within the confines of the "so-called" privacy? dry cookie crumble - meet limp dick.

.bitter.. or simply... determined?

that's why i like prostitutes,
it leaves me with
a blank canvas' worth of a narrative...
no cuddly bits-and-bomps...
just straight talk:
- i get regular STD checks...
- good to know, really good to know.

unlike that age-old scenario
that my father warned me about:
- a girlfriend of mine
tried to trojan horse
a baby into my lap,
and it was never my own...

funny that...
i had that happen to me once...
mind you,
i do come from a horrid background...
both the mother of my father
and the father of my father
shoved him into the arms
of their parents...

salty... ouch...
motherfucker...
and i'm his breed...
oh, and that interlude
"picnic" of 30 minutes...
when you have just entertained
20cl of ms. amber,
and there's still a bottle's worth
of a sinking ship?
that half-drunk / half-sober
interlude...
yeah... those are nice...

ideally in love...
it's night-time,
people are asleep...
i have to caution myself
from bursting out with laughter
reading some of these poetic...
ahem... group therapy sessions...
i know i loved,
and what i loved,
and i am certain i know
what i fucked...
because:
it being fucked,
replied with the adequate
reciprocation answer...

the more i listen to incels
the more i'm like...
this... this is the only "problem",
dating?
i once took to a speed
dating event at edinburgh
university...
it went...
as it was supposed to go...
big L on the forehead,
started digging cognitive
trenches...

the ultimate sign of respect
you have for someone?
eating food with them...
that's my starting line of inquiry...
everything else is just
pretending to tame
bollocks politics...

tell that to
latex lucy... for once in my life
i became an old man in
a young man's body...
heart started speeding...
the unattainable became all
the more: real...

thank god that i'm not much
to look life,
so i went among the sort
of women where
upon giving them an orgasm,
there would be an expression
of anguish, and surprise...

kanalrattebeißen...
but at least not an english politician's
take on the wriggly orgy pit
of a maggot...
when "god" played
bonsai with rats,
as man played bonsai with trees
and tigers to create cats...
came along the mice...

latex lucy: everything that's
wrong but somehow right
with this world...
i stopped myself from
jerk-jerk when i "feigned"
breeze-'ed...
oh i'm pretty sure
she's the sort,
the mandible sort of beauty...
but, clearly...
i was expecting the typical
whoring chub and good humour
akin to that puerto rican in
amsterdam...

born half a monster,
died... eh... somewhere between:
the polacks never receiving either
german reparations...
(which the jews received)...
or soviet reparations for
Chernobyll...
the women were told to drink
iodine, if pregnant...
lovely year, that year 1986
when i was a month shy from
birth...

but now...
if they shut me up on
wattpad... back in 2015...
over a comment which ended:
o.k., great, have a great life;

well?
surprises surprises...
leaving one leper colony,
then finding another leper colony.
trust? nil.
hope? nil.
faith? nil.
the chance to encounter
plenty of kleindiktatoren?
what, whittle hitlers?
all the time:
all, in, the, name, of, "democracy".
god...
if i'm not going to fuck
a latex demigod deity...
i might as well write something
in deutsche:

as the proverb suggests:
if you don't have what you'd like,
well... like what's readily given.