All kinds of songs I've heard folks sing,
Of things in every nation;
Of Queen's Road swells, and Clarehall belles,
And every new sensation.
But I've a song you never heard,
Although the music's ancient;
It's all about one Doctor Bird,
And his fascinating patient.
So list to me
And I'll tell you all the story of this Doctor B.

One day he sat within his room,
By draughts and pills surrounded;
Strange pictures hanging on the walls
Which timid folks confounded.
He heard the bell, and strange to tell,
He quickly changed his manner,
And in there came his bosom's flame
His darling Mary Hannah.
So list to me, &c.

'Sweet Mary Hannah!' 'Doctor dear'--
Such was their salutation;
'I've come,' sed she, 'for much I fear,
I've got the palpitation.'
'O never mind,' says Doctor B.,
'You need not long endure it;
Just come a little nearer me,
I fancy I can cure it.'
But list to me, &c.

He took a loving, long embrace,
Cries she, 'Oh, dear, that's shocking!'
When the doctor's boy, to mar their joy,
Just entered without knocking.
And when he saw the state o' things,
Then down the stairs he hurried,
And ran to tell the Doctor's wife,--
For Doctor B. was married.
So list to me, &c.

The Doctor seized his hat and cane,
And cried, 'Dear Mary, hook it!'
Then down he ran, and found a cab,
And in an instant took it--
'Drive for your life and fetch my wife,
And need no second telling!'
And in a very little time
They reached the Doctor's dwelling.
So list to me, &c.

His wife was there, said he, 'My dear
Come with me to the city,
I'm lonely when you are not near,'
Says she, 'Why that's a pity.'
He took her to the self same room,
And in the self same manner;
He kissed and coaxed his lawful wife,
As he'd just kissed Mary Hannah.
So list to me, &c.

In loving talk some time they spent,
Says she, 'now I'll go shopping;'
He kissed her and as out she went,
The Doctor's boy came hopping;
He saw her and he quickly cried,
'O, please excuse me missus,
But Doctor's got a girl inside,
And he's smothering her with kisses.
So list to me, &c.

'You little sneaking cur,' she cried,
'That shows that you've been peeping.'
She boxed his ears from side to side
And quickly sent him weeping.
The Doctor rubbed his hands and smiled,
To think how well he'd plan'd it,
And Mrs. B.'s quite reconciled,
But the boy don't understand it.
So you all see
What a very cunning fellow was this Doctor B.

Now all you married men so gay,
Just listen to my moral;
Indulge your wives in every way,
And thus avoid a quarrel.
Pray do your best to settle down,
Nor with the fair ones frisk it;
You might not fare like Doctor B.,
It isn't safe to risk it.
For you can see
How very near in trouble was this Doctor B.