Behold in each a warrior bold
With epaulets of gleaming gold;
With nodding plume and jeweled sword
Which only heroes can afford.
We tremble not at war's alarms
We disregard each call to arms;
At bloodshed we can loudly laugh —
We're Colonels on the Governor's staff.
We're on the Governor's staff.

Chorus
Oh, the bogus military
Is a wondrous sight to see;
Napoleon in his glory
Was never one — two — three.
We can fight all night
And attack on sight
A bowl of deadly punch;
And when the dishes rattle,
We engage in deadly battle
With a bang-up champagne lunch.
Hooray!
The bogus military men!

The only smoke we've seen as yet
Arises from a cigarette,
And it has always been our boast
We never quail except on toast.
Dyspepsia is our only foe;
The only shot that we may know,
The snap-shot of the photograph;
We're Colonels on the Governor's staff.
We're on the Governor's staff.