They used to boink ‘till she oink.
Now she wanna divorce;
Steal all the money from his bank,
And saddle up a different horse.
Kermit starin’ down a pistol point
Blank, head empty, sit and think.
His heart sank.
He just wants a baddie with which to get jiggy.
He don’t want no Pay Piggy.

But fuck that.
He tired of the way that piggy act.
Now he watchin’ playa’s toss her pigskin like an NFL quarterback.
She old news like Nickelback.
Sure, she had a nice rack.
But she’s gonna end up with an apple in her mouth, sittin’ on an oven rack;
Kermit on a comeback.

Elmo so doped up;
He a son of a bitch.
His dick in Abby got her tearing just a little bit.
Now he on Sesame Street with new lessons:
Teaching kids to say the N-word,
And throw stones at little blackbirds.
Tellin’ them what it means to be turnin’ Japanese,
And to never say thank you and please.
To disobey their mothers and fathers.
Walkin’ with one hand on their crotch,
And wavin’ a middle finger on the other.
Preaching gang shui.
Learnin’ less everyday.
He got them repeatin’ everything Dr. Dre say.
Can’t tell you what Elmo feels when he alone in the night,
Wrappin’ a belt around his arm in the Sesame Streetlight.

Kermit ain’t fine.
He popping pills like they Eminems.
Don’t think he a Stan.
So what if he’s Miss Piggy’s number one fan?
So drunk he gonna rent a van,
And drive that piggy off a bridge with her baby in the trunk.
It’s hard looking at life over the ridge;
But know he ain’t cryin’,
It’s just water under the bridge.

When Kermit saw Elmo at the club,
It must’ve been fate’s intention.
‘Cause they made that Rainbow Connection.
Gave his green bean a velvet erection.
Wanna give him a hot Froggie injection.

Wasn’t long before he had what Elmo brewin’.
Yeah, they hella sippin’,
And it ain’t no Lipton tea.
Going down on Elmo ‘till he Rowlf like the Dog.
You know Kermit bouncing ‘cause he a fucking frog.
Elmo so wet, now they two amphibians.
Their puppet hands,
Getting funky with their puppet sticks drumming.
Learning new A.B.C’s way his Ass Be Cumming.

At the club, they rollin’ on the couch.
So nasty,
They be cuckin’ Oscar Grouch.
Kermit the baddest motherfucking Muppet,
And Elmo such a baddy he call himself daddy.
They tag teaming Fozie,
Actin’ so naughty,
They beaming that bear like Scotty.

What’s this?
What about Cookie Monster?
I guess he got something to say,
“Give me your fucking cookies.
Me want your fucking cookies.
Give me your goddamn motherfucking cookies.
Cookies.
Me want cookies.
Your motherfucking cookies.
Your goddamn. Motherfucking. Cookies.”
Who let him off parole?
They got officers on patrol?
I thought he was in jail for beating on the Pillsbury boy?
That…and getting funky with the First Lady.
“Cookie Monster innocent. Me a saint.”
No, you ain’t.
You heard what the judge said;
They found crumbs in the fucking bed.

Cookie Monster’s patrol got Kermit feelin’ heat.
But he ain’t worried about no cops on the beat.
He the King of the Wild Frontier, like David Crockett.
Nine-millimeter in his puppet prison pocket.
He pulls up on the Opps, then he shoot a bitch.
Ain’t no Jiminy Cricket.
Trippin’ on that LSD, ‘cause you know he lick it.
Takin’ all of Elmo’s D, yeah, you know he like it.
Back then, he was always playin’ the straight man.
Now he in the bedroom, bangin’ with another man.
His comedy gold, like the Lipton that he drank.
You think you tougher than him?
No you fuckin’ ain’t.

Cops turn a blind eye when Elmo drive by (on the Opps).
Hear Elmo giggle as his gat snap, crackle, and pops.
Tickle his little Elmo while the bodies drop.
Always gone before the clapback; he leave you blubbering like Candace,
Dick fit in your mouth?
He always North, ‘cause his shit never go South.

Some people got the gang’s interest.
Gotta fuck up a kid from Make-A-Wish;
Then add Blue’s Clues to their hitlist.
She wanna letter in the mail?
They can do her one better:
She just got a letter!
She just got a letter!
Wonder who it-
Her situation dire.
Oops.
Guess she couldn’t sniff the right wire…

Blue’s Clues was easy.
Thought they could hit up Mister Rodgers.
But when it comes to his neighborhood,
He don’t fuckin’ play.
He gunned them down in the street;
They never had a chance to get away.

Don’t do drugs.