As the Kaffir is known by his Wig-Wam
As a Scotsman is known by his thistle
And a man from the West by the hairs on his chest
So - a P'liceman is known by his whistle.

Now I might have been in the navy
But they didn't want ornaments then
And they wouldn't take me in the Girl Guides
They only wanted Men.

But I managed to get in the P'lice force
And I don't think I did wrong
If I hadn't joined of my own accord
I knew they'd have me before long.

And I'm one for doing my duty
Whoever the woman may be
And there's no bribing me with a 'Fiver'
Nothing les than a shilling for me.

One night I saw two navvies fighting
They must have been six foot three
I saw one get hit with a pick-axe
Did I interfere - not me.

They soon left off fighting each other
As soon as they heard me speak
They soon left off fighting each other
But I didn't 'come to' for a week.

A man and wife fighting, last Saturday night
He was going to hit her a 'Buster'
When I rushed in and took the brick out of his hand
And lent him a knuckle-duster.

The man set his dog on to me, after that
A Sealyham Tripehound Alsatian
But I soon let him see - I said, 'You come with me.'
And I took his dog to the Station.

And when they put me on 'point duty'
I don't stand for any one's cheek
I'm the only P.C. in the Boy Scouts
That's been run over twice in one week.

If I see a motorist coming
'Bout a hundred miles too fast
I just pull out my notebook and pencil
And stand back until he's gone past.

Now one night I caught a cat-burglar
And how do I know he was that?
Why, he must have been a cat-burglar
'Cos I caught him pinching the cat.

Besides, when I spoke he spat at me
He was wearing cat-burglar mittens
Had pads on his feet - he smelt of cats' meat
And all he was short of was kittens.

I said, 'I believe you're a burglar.'
He said, 'Certainly, yes, I know.'
And he made me give him nine cigarette pictures
Before he'd let me go.

I was just going to hand-cuff his trousers
When he said, 'You've made a mistake.'
So I hit myself on the head with my trucheon
To see if I was awake.

(More seriously)
That night, I had not met the Sergeant
Tho' I'd looked for him high and low
So I went towards home - for my overcoat
For it was beginning to snow.

I just whistled up at the window
Not wanting to 'Wake up the house'
And my wife popped her head out - and looked that scared
As if she had seen a mouse.

I said, 'Throw my overcoat out, dear.'
And she threw it out into the street
I put it on quick - for the Sergeant
Might catch me off my beat.

Round the corner I met the Inspector
He stared - like he couldn't believe
He said, 'How long have you been a Sergeant?'
Then I noticed three stripes on my sleeve.

Then I thought there was something wrong somehow
So I quickly 'Turned about'
Nearly got to my house - when who should I see
But the Sergeant - coming out.

I don't know whether he saw me
If he did - he was a sport
For he never said anything to me
But Blimey - I nearly got caught.

And I thought it was good of the Sergeant
For he might have got me the sack
And I felt that I must give him something
So I gave him his overcoat back.