'Twas a dirty night, 'twas a dirty trick
When our ship turned over in the Atlantic
It was the schooner Hesperous - we all lay asleep in our bunks
Bound for a cruise, where they don't have revues
With a cargo of elephant's trunks.

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip
Not even a policeman in sight
And the little sardines had got into their tins
And pulled down the lids for the night.

We hadn't gone far down the channel
When a terrible storm arose
The captain stood on the bridge of the ship
And I stood on the bridge of his nose.

We hoped for the best, for the mast had gone West
And the rudder was lost in the swell
And the anchor got caught in the back of my shirt
And I lost my rudder as well.

S.O.S., S.O.S., flashed through the air
From the wireless right down the jetty
The steward brought S.O.S. on a plate
Sausages, onions, and spaghetti.

Said old Bo'sun Brown, 'The ship's going down
And I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty.'
'Women and children first', cried the mate
So I put on an old woman's nighty.

I dived in the sea, doing side strokes
And sun strokes - with chattering teeth
I could see all the water on top of the waves -
And I found a lot more underneath.

I swam out to Sidney, on my floating kidney
And then, back to Alsace Lorraine
When I stepped on the pier, the wife shouted, 'I'm here!'
So I jumped in the water again.

I said to a girl - 'You must swim for your life
Or hang on to a buoy, if you can.'
She looked at me coy, and said, 'You're not a boy,
Get out, you're a dirty old man!'