Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
I have a story to tell.
Lend me your ears, if you've not got them with you,
Your noses will do just as well.
What we want today is social reform, parish reform and more than likely chloroform.
What did Gladstone say after '99? Why, 100 of course. And he was right.
I represent the common people and nobody is more common than I am.
We have the Press behind us and if there is one thing I like to see in a newspaper
It's a good feed of fish and chips.
I've just arrived from the League of Nations and I'll tell you all about it.
The League of Nations met in Berwick Market,
To discuss on which side kippers ought to swim.
There were Hottentots and Prussians playing honeypots on cushions,
And a Greek with bubble and squeak upon his chin.
Some drove up in taxis that were empty,
Some arrived to say they couldn't come.
The Hindus had their quilts on, the Hebrews had their kilts on,
A Scandinavian rose and said 'By Gum,
Think of what we have done in the future,
Shall we do our duty in the past?'
The Japanese Prime Minister got up and said 'Tush, tush'.
Someone threw a shepherd's pie that hit his Shepherd's Bush.
A Scotsman from the north land got up and spoke in shorthand,
Like a vegetarian straight from Botany Bay.
He said, 'Where has the kidney bean? What made the woodbine wild?
Is red cabbage greengrocery? And tell me friends,' he smiled,
'Can a bandy-legged gherkin be a straight cucumber's child?
That's what Crosse and Blackwell want to know today.'

The League of Nations met at Marks and Woolworths,
And asked them if a discount they'd allow.
A farmer with his tanner said he wished to buy a spanner,
He could use when he was milking of the cow.
A Turk said 'We want work, and not much of it,
A job like giving gooseberries Marcel waves.'
A Zulu most courageous said, 'Brothers it's outrageous,
Black puddings should be treated as white slaves'.
Shall we ever do so if we can't do,
Would we, would we, if we, p'raps we won't.
Admiral McNestle of the Swiss Navy arose shouting
'Where would Turkey be without the parson's nose?'
The Rajah of Shlemozzle got up and blew his nozzle,
He had these few well-chosen words to say,
'Can a sausage keep its figure if its burberry is flat?
If a duck has had its tonsils out where does it keep its quack?
We know a hen can lay an egg but can it put it back?
That's what Levy and Franks are fighting for today.' !