Let me sit down for a minute, sir
There's a milestone in my boot
And list to the tale how my hearthstone was wrecked
By a bloodthirsty, blue-blooded brute

Tallulah and I were just married
We'd each led a solitary life
Her husband eloped with a woman
In mistake for another man¹s wife.

We'd a military wedding in Shoreditch
Walking under the sword and lance
Two bridesmaids held up Tallulah's train
And two safety pins held up my pants

We found a small cottage to live in
The outside was old and so mean
I'll admit all the windows were dirty
But Tallulah and I were quite clean.

We hadn't much money to live on
There was never much food on the shelf
So she took in a lodger - I couldn't object
I'd once been a lodger myself

He was a sailor from Botany Bay
He'd been wrecked at a night-club in Dover
He did look a wreck, he'd got two tucks in his neck
And his wishbone stuck through his pullover.

But all good things must come to an end
Thanks to false Jack from Botany Bay
For she cast me aside in December
Like she cast off her woollies in May

The climax came - one fatal evening
For my latchkey I started to forage
Through the keyhole I yelled to Tallulah
'Has anyone been at my porridge?'

He then flung his arms round my darling
His embraces showed they were no strangers
I could tell by the way he tackled the wife
He'd played half-back for Queen's Park Rangers

The front door was locked, barred and bolted
I thought to myself this is rummy
I was six stone - no more - I got under the door
And wriggled inside on my tummy.

I dived in and caught them red-handed
He was standing like Little Jack Horner
And the wife, most improper, sat on the copper
Saying, 'Puss Puss, come to my corner.'

I sparred up to fight for my honour
The wife said, 'You coward, don't hit him.'
I pushed him near a chair where my false teeth were
Then the top set flew up and bit him.

With a mallet I knocked him unconscious
She murmured, 'Alas my poor brother.'
I did all I knew and I'd just brought him round
When the wife went and brought him another.

When I pulled out a pistol he ran for his life
So I chased him all round the houses
I aimed at the brute, but the wife said, 'Don¹t shoot
He's wearing a pair of your trousers.'

And with sailor Jack she eloped in his smack
I've searched all round but can't spot 'em
I know they're afloat, and if I find that boat
I know one smack that's going to the bottom.