lonely, so fucking lonely
i cry on one side of my pillow
and sleep on the other
alone, always alone
more sighs pass my lips than words
and i don't need people to tell me
of the hundred mile stare that seems
permanent in my gaze


words, words are meaningless
so trivial yet so much hangs on them
i'm so tired of speaking and i
just want to curl up in my cold blankets
blast music so i can't
hear my sniffles and broken breaths
in between the tears heating my eyes
no one i can tell, only laughs in solitude


have i gone through enough?
is this not the end?
how can it not be the end?
if a creator exists then hear this:
i am tired. i am tired of feeling.
i am tired of being. i am tired of
holding up everything and
holding in everything.
i am tired of always being composed
always being calm.


i can't take it anymore.


so every day i lay in my bed
and the russian roulette of fate
decides if it is my deathbed
whether i will sleep ephemerally
or eternally
but no matter how much i sleep
i never wake up with fresh vigour
what will death feel like, i wonder?


at least it won't be nights where
i miss terribly, not even knowing what i miss
only that i feel helpless as i inevitably
crumble under its weight, time after time
not even walking properly
can't even lift my head
as i don't know where to put my hands
where to put my heart
perhaps i miss
a place far away that i can call home
a place where i will be free
perhaps i miss
a pair of brown eyes deep as the ocean and bright as the sun
a pair of eyes i might never see look at me


and to those eyes i would say
would you rather i had left?
did i mess up somewhere?
did i make things
difficult for you?
if you never say anything
i'll always think my
guilt is justified.


everything is always passing, everything
my heart is getting older, so much older
and i think i'm never drunk enough
to deal with all this shit
ever caged within inhibition, ever
bound by duty, ever muzzled with fear and ever
ever stuck in this cycle
i drag my feet through this dreary life
and i think to myself
i am not drunk enough.


i can't see the moon in the city, mother
i can't see the stars
only red skies and
broken hopes
is it a difficult time, mother?
i'm sorry
i'm trying my best
i promise someday i'll
make it all better
i promise.


i'm sorry i was born
i'm sorry i'm a burden
i'm sorry i always turn things
upside down.


i'm sorry.
i'll always be sorry.
i'll try not to break anything
in the meantime.
i'm sorry.